For I Am Pharaoh
by Vappa
Summary: It's a scary thing when someone wants to take over the world. Even scarier when it's Yami, enlisting his 'troops' in order to take over said world. His troops aren't exactly pleased though. xCh12x I give you Yami's yami... Mid.
1. Chapter The First

Hello all. This is the first fic I've ever published in the YGO section, so, yay! Usually I only write humour in exceptionally crazy moments, so this is one of them. I'm actually writing a more serious story as a major work . . . but, seeing as that's not out yet, no one cares! So we'll just carry on! ENJOY OR BE DAMNED.

I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and I'm certain Yami would kill me if I did.

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh

------------------------------------

Chapter The First

------------------------------------

"Yugi, I have had enough."

               Yugi looked at Yami, curious. "Huh?"

               "Yes you heard me. I have had enough."

"Enough of . . . what?"

"It is obvious."

"Uh . . . no it's not." Yami gave him a disgruntled look.

"Fine. I shall spell it out to you. You realize that I was a Pharaoh of great power in Ancient Egypt, right?" The pint-sized duelist nodded whilst continuing to paint his spare cards pretty colours. "Well, it is a great affront to my royal stature –"

"Oh no . . ."

" – to not be treated as ruler of this world –"

"You're not thinking of . . ."

" – thus it is high time I took it back for myself. For I am Pharaoh –"

"Ohhhhh crap."

"Ruler of this world, be it ancient times or modern!"

With that, Yami did his trippy turn-shirt-into-a-cape trick and flounced out of the room, presumably to prepare for his world domination. Yugi sighed, and packed away his paint set. There was no reasoning with the spirit when he was in his "For I am Pharaoh" mode. Actually, there was no reasoning with him in most of his modes, except for the "Let's play with Barbies" and "I want some ice cream" modes. But those didn't appear too often.

So, resigned to the horrible fate before him, Yugi went down the stairs.

~*~

"NOW LISTEN UP!" Yami shouted, cracking his whip (where'd he get that?). "I require the utmost obedience and loyalty from people who intend on being my co-conspirators on this holy mission from God. Any wisecracks, goofups, pranks, comments about my hair, tripping over shoelaces and whinging about the food will NOT be tolerated under any circumstances. Do you hear me?"

He swept his eyes over the line of people in front of him. Most looked confused, disgruntled or weirded out; Kaiba merely looked pissed and Mai merely looked at her nails.

"What's going on Yugi?" Joey whispered to his friend, trying not to get the attention of the Pharaoh. "Why did he round us all up with that stupid whip and put us in a line?" Yugi just stared ahead with a 'woe is me' expression.

"You'll find out soon enough."

"NO TALKING IN LINE!" _Whocksshhh_ went the whip right in front of Yugi's face. He yelped and jumped onto Tristan's shoulders accidentally, which is quite impressive considering the height difference between them. Tea frowned.

"Now look Yami," she started, but was suddenly being glared in the face by the aforementioned person. Now even though he was shorter, he's still pretty scary when he's glaring, don't you think? I know I get scared. Anyway. She gulped and looked at him.

"Not another word Tea. Because we all know what'll happen." Everyone in line nodded. Tea looked confused.

"What do you mean? I was only going to say that-"

"YOU SHOULDN'T TREAT YOUR FRIENDS LIKE THAT, THERE'S A BOND BETWEEN US THAT CAN'T BE BROKEN!" everyone shouted, knocking her off her feet. She didn't say another word after that.

"I don't need this. What am I even doing here? I'm leaving," Kaiba announced suddenly, grabbing Mokuba and dragging him along behind him. Quick as a flash Yami jumped in the way.

"You are not going anywhere Kaiba." Giving him a very rude gesture that I'll leave up to your imaginations, Kaiba pushed past him and kept going. Bad move.

"KAIIIIBAAAAA!" Yami screeched, and made a weird twisty movement with his hands. There was a burst of black shadow energy and everyone winced. When it faded, they all looked over at Kaiba, who was apparently wearing . . .

"BUNNY PYJAMAS?!" he shrieked. "YOU BASTARD!" Kaiba launched himself at Yami, who had switched to his infamous 'Bring it on, bitch' mode. And then the fight was on-

****THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO ITS SEVERE VIOLENCE AND UTTER RETARDEDNESS. PLUS I CAN'T THINK OF HOW TO WRITE IT SO WE'LL JUST SKIP IT. OH, AND ASSUME THAT YAMI WON****

"Right, any more objections?" the Pharaoh asked his 'troops', all looking a bit dirty and messed up from the giant cartoon explosion that had just happened but we didn't get to see. 

"Yes sir," they all groaned, Joey making a face at Yami's back as he passed. Yami grinned and brandished his sword (I wonder where he keeps getting these weapons). "Now, I require a crack team of loyal servants . . . sadly, I have you. For now, I shall choose who gets to accompany on my holy mission from God." He started pointing at everyone in turn. "You, you, you, you, you, you, you and . . .  no, not you."

"But but but WHY?!" Ryou cried. Yami sniffed and tossed his head.

"You always start crying at the worst times."

"No I don't!" Ryou wailed, starting to cry. 

"WELL WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?!"

"DON'T YELL AT MEEEEEEE!" 

"I WILL YELL AT WHOEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE, MORTAL!"

"YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! *sobsobsob*" Joey gave Ryou a weird look, and patted him on the shoulder awkwardly.

"Uh . . . there there Ryou . . . um . . . don't cry?"

"I *sniff* can't *sob* help *waah* it!" Ryou must have stolen Yugi's 'woe is me' look because he was pulling it off very fashionably at that moment. Yami sighed and scratched his head.

"You are so pathetic. I thought your yami had given you a stronger backbone. Where is he anyway? I might require his devious sense of deviousness."

Ryou blinked and looked down at his shoes (soaking wet from the tearfest). "Well . . ."

~*~

"I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE!" Bakura shrieked, dancing wildly around the Jamaican night club.

~*~

"He's um . . . busy . . . torturing people." Everyone blinked, and stared around. Suddenly a branch snapped overhead and fell on top of Mai, promptly killing her. Everyone blinked, and stared at the dead duelist. Yami shrugged.

"I was not going to take her anyway. She keeps stealing my eye shadow."

"You wear _eye shadow?_" Mokuba giggled, and everyone burst into fits of laughter. Yami had a little tantrum, which only made everyone laugh harder.

"IT IS THE CUSTOM OF MY _PEOPLE_, FOOL! AND IT LOOKS GOOD ON ME!"

Finally everyone stopped laughing (or in Ryou's case, laughing and crying at the same time). Looking flummoxed, annoyed, bamboozled, ruffled and shitty all at once, Yami turned to them all.

"O-K," he intoned through clenched teeth. "You are all coming with me _right now _to assist me in . . . oh what NOW, Ryou?" He snarled as the white-haired boy's hand waved in the air.

"Even me?" Yami sighed.

"Yes, even _you_." Ryou squealed and burst into happy-sobs, hugging Kaiba so tightly round the neck he was in danger of suffocation.

"As I was saying. You are all coming with me-" he ignored the happy squeal from Ryou, "to help me take back what is rightfully mine."

"Are you gonna tell us what exactly we're doing?" Tristan asked, poking the dead Mai with his foot. 

"No," Yami answered. He clapped his hands and a large fighter jet appeared. Everyone found this surprising except Yugi, who once again had the 'woe is me' look back and Kaiba, who muttered, "Show off" under his breath. "Now, ON THE JET!" 

Ryou bounced ahead happily whilst everyone else panicked as Yami started cracking his whip AND swinging his sword in their general direction. They all ran onto the plane (Tea tripping over Joey in the process and landing on his head), which was surprisingly well furnished for a fighter jet that's meant to be a killing machine. 

Kaiba once again snatched Mokuba and pulled him into a corner, just so that he could have a sulking-buddy. Poor Mokuba. The rest of our motley world domination crew all took up some seats near the windows. Nobody knew where Yami had gone, until the loudspeaker overhead crackled (and screamed) into life.

"THIS IS YOUR PHARAOH SPEAKING!" he shouted, deafening everyone. "THE PLANE IS TAKING OFF NOW. ASK NO QUESTIONS AND YOU WILL NOT BE HURT – WHAT IS IT RYOU?!" 

Somehow Yami had managed to know that Ryou was waving his arm around again. Ryou was bouncing up and down in his seat (poor kid is starved for attention) and looking eagerly at the far wall.

"What's the in-flight movie gonna be Mister Yami sir?" There was silence for a few seconds.

"JURASSIC PARK. NOW SHUT UP!" With that, the plane rumbled and started to move along the road (running over a few cars, Bandit Keith and a tanker truck in the process). 

Soon enough, they were in the air, flying to god knows where to do god knows what. But, that doesn't matter, does it? Yugi was glumly playing handsies with Joey, who kept misjudging his claps and smacking Yugi in the face. So the dominant sound in the plane was "Oof!" "Sorry!" "Agh!" "Sorry!" "Ow!" "Sorry!" "Gah!" "Sorry!" "Yea!" "Sorry – oh wait, that was you that time." "Shut up Joey".

Tea and Tristan, on the other hand, were trying (not too subtly) to get a rise out of Kaiba by throwing popcorn at him. Eventually, Kaiba got up and stormed over, grabbing Tea by the collar and shaking her, popcorn falling all over the place. "DO YOU MIND WOMAN?! THAT'S EXTREMELY ANNOYING!" Mokuba said nothing, just caught the popcorn in his hand as it fell off his brother and ate it. 

               Nobody even went near Ryou, who was crying in fear as the Tyrannosaurus proceeded to eat the man on the toilet. Everyone knew that they'd be caught in Ryou's Embrace of Doom if they did. 

               It had been, oh, let's say an hour, when dinner was served. Don't ask me how it was served, I certainly don't think Yami employed any air stewards on his global domination flight, but it was served all the same. A disgruntled Kaiba came over (dragging Mokuba by the collar) and they all proceeded to eat.

Everything was going fine, until there was a slight cracking sound, followed by an "Eep." They turned to see Ryou, watery eyed, staring at his chopsticks, which hadn't separated right. One was broken at the top. He sniffed once, twice, then started wailing and latched onto Kaiba again. No matter how hard Kaiba punched Ryou on the head, he wouldn't let go. 

The others went back to their meals as Kaiba began flailing on the ground, Ryou crying all the while. It was going to be a long flight.

               ------------------------------------

               Huzzoo! Review and make me happy. Chapter 2 is finished, but not up. Chapter 3 is . . . non-existent right now. Lalala. See you next time!

- Vappa


	2. The Next Chapter That Nobody Asked For B...

Greetings once again. Now, don't get the wrong idea. I NEVER update this fast on normal fictions. What this is, is a pleasant little diversion from the more heavy-hitting stuff I usually write. Therefore, updates are completely random. You're just lucky I had two chapters ready! Anyway, here ya go.

I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. At all. I don't even have any cards. I really suck. Pity me.

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

The Next Chapter That Nobody Asked For But You're Getting It Anyway

------------------------------------

*CLUNKBANGSCREEEEEEEECHCRUNCH*

That is the sound made when a 5000-year-old spirit bent on world domination decides to park a huge jet plane in the middle of a country road. 

*SMASHSHATTERWOAHAIIIEEETHUNK*

Those are the sounds made when assorted people, bowls and chairs are all hurled into the front of the plane after a rough landing.

*YOUDUMBASSI'MGONNAKILLYOU*

That is the sound of Seto Kaiba yelling at Yami and thumping his fist into Ryou, who is clinging onto his legs.

Yugi managed to flop over from his position on his back and stared around in confusion. As near as he could tell, his partner had managed to land the plane upside down AND on an angle. Amazing what a lack of techno-knowhow can result in. 

Suddenly the door he was sitting on opened, and he fell down with a shriek into the "cockpit". Not that it looked much like a cockpit anymore. Seems that Yami also managed to careen into a brick wall headfirst. Smart lad. 

"What are you doing? Exit this steel contraption now!" Yugi stared at Yami, standing calmly on the control panel as though he hadn't just performed an incredible feat of near-destruction. 

"You're nuts," Yugi sighed, and jumped out the broken window nearby. Yami just went 'hmpf' and walked straight through the wall. He's a spirit, yanno. He can do kooky stuff like that. 

Once he got there, he looked around at all the assorted people who had also broken out of the plane. Quite a few looked like they'd had nasty bumps on the head (well duh) and Ryou was looking pitiable a few steps away from everyone else. Kaiba was holding him at bay with a large pointy stick. Yami clapped his hands and addressed his servants.

"Right! I assume there are no problems?"

"Well, I've got a pretty fatal-looking inju-"

"Splendid! No problems!"

"But I said-"

"Our next course of action is to head to the centre of this establishment." Everyone looked apprehensive. Tea came forward a bit.

"Um, what for?" she asked. Yami sighed, and started talking in a tone meant for the exceptionally stupid.

"We are going to get some _weapons_. You know what _weapons _are?"

"Of course I know what weapons are!" Tea shouted, insulted.

"I was just _making sure, _Tea, because you are not the _sharpest _tool in the shed."

"What! How dare you!"

"Easy there. Count to ten, that's it . . ."

"You arrogant, pompous-"

"I think I'm bleeding to death," someone said, but was drowned out by Tea.

"- dried-up old mummy!"

"Name calling is not the way to get what you want, dear."

"AARGH!" With that, Tea snatched Kaiba's pointy stick away from him ("Hey, that's MINE! No, Ryou, stay back!") and attacked Yami's head. Unfortunately, her blow landed on his hair, which we all know is rock solid, and the stick snapped in two. He laughed like a winner, and smacked her.

"Naughty naughty. You should not attack your exulted leader." Tea fumed, and stomped back over to Tristan and proceeded to bitch to him about 'arrogant pansy-assed pharaohs with a mid-millenium-life crisis'. "In any case, I have landed at a strategic point on this landmass, and we will now proceed to our destination."

He turned around and started walking. "Pssh, 'strategic landing point' my ass," grumbled Kaiba, picking up Ryou by the leg and throwing him into some bushes nearby. Everyone mumbled their agreements, and walked dispiritedly behind their all-mighty leader.

A few minutes later Ryou came running up behind them with a birds' nest in his hair, but nobody cared.

So they walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And . . . perhaps you wonder why I'm not getting to the point. Well, I'm trying to THINK of a point so until then . . . they walked. And walked. And walked (not getting anything). And walked. And walked. And walked (perhaps . . .). And walked. And then Yugi fell into a pothole (whoo, progress!). Pulled him out, and kept walking.

50,000 words later, they upgraded from dirt roads to asphalt. At this point, Yami was still marching along like a soldier, whereas Kaiba was carrying a sleeping Mokuba, Yugi was hopping along on one leg after screwing the other one in that pothole, and Tea was dragging Tristan along by the collar for some reason. Joey and Ryou were having a spirited argument over who was prettier: Legolas or Captain Jack Sparrow. Try and guess who was rooting for whom.

ANYWAY. Eventually they made it into a city of some description. Yugi looked around in confusion.

"It's so dark here. Where are the streetlights?"

"Maybe they haven't invented them here yet, wherever this is," Joey mused.

"You mean we're in some off-the-wall third-world country? Like Ethiopia, or Afghanistan, or New Zealand?" asked Tea.

"Dunno," said Yugi. "It's possible. Never once saw a streetlight in Lord of the Rings." As they got closer to the buildings, they saw that they were . . . pretty smashed up. In fact, only one in ten were standing.

"Christ, this place looks like a bomb hit it," Kaiba said, poking Mokuba awake and putting him down. Yugi ran up and tugged at his sleeve frantically.

"Are you sure? Maybe this IS New Zealand and it's actually Sauron's doing! Oooh gawd, he could be around any corner!" he yelled, looking around like he expected the flaming eyeball himself to appear. 

"If this is New Zealand, I won't be convinced until I see Legolas," Ryou said, and then looked around like he expected the blonde-haired elf himself to appear. 

"Would you lot be quiet. This is not Middle-Earth," Yami spat, scowling at them from the dark. "We are nowhere near New Zealand, and I hate to inform you, but neither Sauron or Legolas actually exist. If they did, I would have enlisted their help rather than you useless bunch of  . . ." Yami trailed off muttering as he continued on his Pharaohish way. Yugi looked relieved, and Ryou disappointed. Aw. 

"Anyway, something definitely happened here," Kaiba mused. He tapped his boot on a building and promptly disappeared as the whole thing fell on top of his head. 

"No kidding," said Mokuba as he dug his brother out with a shovel. "I wonder what."

"MINIONS!" came the grating call of their fearless leader. "OVER HERE!" 

"I swear, these better be some kick-ass weapons or I'll be writing that bastard a strongly worded letter," grumbled Joey as they made their way over. Yami was standing impatiently in front of another building. Yugi saw, as they came closer, that it looked an awful lot like . . .

"A nightclub?" he wondered aloud, staring at the 'YOU MUST BE 15% DRUNK TO ENTER' sign. 

"Do not be fooled, for this place holds the key to our world domination plan," Yami said, yanking on the doors but failing to open them.

"Since when is it OUR world domination plan?" Joey sniped, and was suddenly smacked upside the head by the Pharaoh.

"Silence, peon. And open these doors. The leader should not have to partake in manual labour." Rubbing his head, Joey went up and started kicking the heavy wooden doors.

"Partake – in – manual – labour – ha!" he panted on each kick. "Just – doesn't – want – to – break – his – wussy – nailWOAH!" The doors suddenly fell open and Joey teetered over and fell face first onto them. Yami, paying no heed to the blonde, walked right over his back and into the bar. Tristan and Yugi pulled Joey back up, but he seemed to be unconscious so they just left him next to the vending machine. Before they passed, Kaiba belted the machine and picked up a Coke (not Diet of course, because he's not 'the Diet Coke of evil').

They passed through the doors and came upon what used to be the dancefloor and main room. There was absolutely no one around, and there were broken pieces of wall all over the place. The ceiling was also missing, along with half the back wall. But, most horrifying, the disco ball was broken. 

"Talk about Saturday Night Fever," said Tea in shock, poking a '10 Sexy XXX Songs To Tie Up Your Slash Buddy To' CD case. Yami however was gazing around the room looking for something. There was a scuffle, and his eyes fixed onto a drink bar in the corner.

"Come out, I know you are there!" he shouted, scaring the wits out of everyone ("Damn it, you made me spill my Coke!"). Yugi gave his partner a look that clearly said Are-you-nuts-that-could-be-a-terrorist-or-Sauron, but he paid no attention. "Out," he yelled again. "I have a use for you."

"All righ', all righ', stop yellin'," came a voice from behind the bar. A scruffy white head appeared above the tabletop and leered at them. "It's rude to wake people when they're sleeping, yanno . . ."

"Is that _you_, Bakura?" Ryou asked in surprise. The yami gave them a tipsy grin and saluted.

"Aye, captain." Ryou looked distinctly embarrassed.

"You said you were going home after 11pm. That was 5 weeks ago." 

"Awr, well, yanno, time gets away from ya when you're havin' fun, Ryou," he said, spinning over to lie on his back on the table and grinning at them upside down. "Ya aren't gonna _ground me_, are ya?" Ryou went red.

"Well maybe I will!" Bakura switched to sitting cross-legged and pouted.

"Aw, Ryou, tha's mean . . ."

"Excuse me," Yami butted in, striding forward a bit. "I hate to interrupt the family feud, but I came here for a reason. Bakura, I have decided to claim my rulership over this world. Despite the aid from these . . . _helpers_ . . . I require more than that. I have reason to believe that you know the whereabouts of a great stash of weaponry . . . are you even LISTENING to me?"

Bakura was swaying back and forth with a stupid grin on his face, going "Lalalalalala . . . whee . . ." Yami twitched.

"BAKURA!" He stopped swaying and stared at the pharaoh. "Pay attention."

"Uhhh . .  why?" 

"Because I SAID SO!" Bakura blinked and poked a finger into his ear.

"Tha's not a very good reason."

"Gaah!" Yami howled in frustration, and started towards the yami. "Now you listen here, you half-witted fool . . ." Yugi noticed that Ryou suddenly looked rather frightened. "I am _ordering _you to do as I say . . ."

"Uh, Yami . . ." Ryou started, but was cut off. 

". . . And what I say goes! I do not care _who_ you think you are . . ." Ryou was really getting distressed now.

"Yami, I _really_ don't think you should be . . ."

". . . But as far as I'm concerned you are _MY_ servant. So _stop_ acting like a brat," he said, pushing his finger against Bakura's chest, "and _obey – my – orders!_"

Transfixed, Yugi heard Ryou hiss, and they all (minus Yami and Bakura) turned to see him frantically gesturing for them to run like mad to the far end of the room. Rather than find out what would happen next, they all bolted behind overturned tables and pieces of debris. 

Joey dived over a fallen boom box and turned around in time to see Bakura stand up, clearly much taller than Yami. He reached up and grabbed hold of Yami's hand, and even from there he could hear the bones cracking.

"I," Bakura slurred dangerously, "don' take orders from jerkfaces like you."

A terrific blast of wind and light exploded, blinding them and making the ground shake. A grinding shriek could be heard, and crashes around the room. It lasted for about five minutes, at least, before it died out just as suddenly as it had appeared. Everything was dead quiet. Joey heard a cough from somewhere beneath him, and a groan of 'Now I can't even _find _my Coke . . .'

It took him a while to figure out just where exactly he was. It appeared that he'd been blown back some 20 metres and had landed on top of Kaiba, with the boom box on top of _him_. He opened his eyes and also found he was upside down. "Ugh, _geez_, what the flaming hell was that?" he muttered. "I'm guessing our _fearless leader_ got turned down," came Kaiba's voice again. "Now if you don't mind Wheeler . . . you're crushing my head." Joey heaved the sound equipment off himself, then rolled over onto the dust-blanketed floor next to Kaiba.

"This sucks," he moaned.

"For once I'd have to agree with you. Mokuba, where are you?" Kaiba called out. The response was something along the lines of 'Hanging from a tree', but it was hard to tell. Standing up, Joey caught sight of the others. Tea was trying in vain to pull Tristan out of the wall he'd been blown halfway through, and Yugi was throwing sticks up into a tree, trying to dislodge Mokuba.

"Where's Ryou?" Joey asked. There was a scream and a thump, followed by another scream.

"Sorry Yugi," said Mokuba, getting up off Yugi's chest. Yugi tried to say something but couldn't. The kid's taller than him for god's sake, he could have died just now. Give him a break. He dusted himself off and removed the palm frond from his hair. "I saw him over there." 

"Let's go find him them. And maybe Bakura. You coming Kaiba?" Joey shouted, then blinked. Awfully OOC, no? Well shut up, it's late.

"Just a moment . . . HELL YES!" Kaiba straightened up and struck a pose. "Found my Coke can!" 

So they all mosied back over to the centre of the . . . uh . . . well, where the building used to be. Sure as heck isn't there now. Along the way, they found Ryou sitting in the middle of a pile of rubble looking pretty damn confused. "I just lived through nuclear war," he said vaguely. Tristan replied with "You're an idiot," and they kept going, Ryou in tow. 

When they got to the . . . you know, the place . . . they found it was smashed. Thoroughly. Standing in the middle was Bakura, rocking back and forth on his heels and singing some very strange song about chicken bones. He saw them and waved, which tipped his balance and he fell over, laughing the whole time. Everyone stared at him.

"Your yami is a weird-ass, Ryou," Mokuba said. 

"Least he isn't a weird-ass trying to take over the world," Ryou countered, nudging Yugi like he'd just made a hilarious joke. Yugi however had regained his 'woe is me' look and wasn't paying attention. He went over to Bakura, still giggling, and pulled him up.

"Heeheehee, tha' happens a lot around heeyah," he said, waving his hand around at the blown up buildings. "Funneh thing is, always seems ta happen after I've had some drinks . . . weird eh?"

"Very," Yugi muttered. "At least we know what happened to the city. Uh, I was wondering Bakura. Where'd Yami go?"

"Oohwhooo, I know tha' one!" Bakura swerved over to a pile of broken cement bricks, and thrust his arm down into them. When he pulled his arm back out, he flung a very dirty Yami onto the broken disco ball. "Heeey, I did it, what do I win?"

"A week of detox," said Ryou, taking Bakura by the hand so he couldn't run away or fall over again. To everyone's amusement, Bakura started rubbing his head up and down Ryou's arm like a cat, still giggling. 

"So, what now?" Yugi asked, staring around the demolished city. "Can't stay here, that's for sure."

"What about those supposed weapons?" Kaiba said, checking his Coke can for scratches.

"Wait a minute," Tea piped up. "Yami's like, dead or something, so why can't we just go home?" Everyone thought about that for a minute and agreed that was a good idea. However, after Tea took one step to the left –

****YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE YUGIOH FANFICTION LAW 12-J3. ONCE A STORY IS BEGUN, NOBODY MAY DEVIATE FROM THE PLOTLINE INTENDED BY THE RIGHTEOUS AUTHOR, UNDER PAIN OF DEATH BY DERANGED FERRETS****

"Aw man," Tristan sighed. "That means we have to keep going on this retarded mission.

****THAT'S RIGHT BUB****

"Damn it!" Joey said, and kicked the unconscious Yami in the head. 

"I suppose we still need to find the weapons then. Yami said something about Bakura knowing where they were . . ." Yugi trailed off and looked at Bakura, swinging Ryou's arm around. "How long exactly will he stay drunk for?" Ryou had a long-suffering look on his face.

"Exactly 3 weeks." Everyone groaned. "Hey, you think that's bad, his hangovers last for thousands of years. Why do you think he's always pissed off about something?" Bakura didn't say anything in his defence, just patted Ryou rather roughly on the head whilst telling him he was a 'good kitty'. 

"We'll have to go back to the plane then," Mokuba said dejectedly. They all prepared to go.

"Uhhhhgh . . . what the . . ." Yami twitched and started to get up. "What in Ra's name . . . oh, I remember . . . Bakura, you fuc-" Before he could finish his sentence, Kaiba winged the Coke can at his head and knocked him out again. SCORE! 

Tristan and Joey sighed and picked their wondrous leader up, banging his head on three slabs of concrete in the process. They all started to walk back to the plane, in the hopes that it would be magically fixed when they got there.

Kaiba lingered for a bit to retrieve his Coke can. He picked it up, and held it in a highly honourable manner. "This Coke can impresses me greatly. I shall keep it with me always. And it's name shall be Bob." With that, Kaiba and Bob went to catch up with the others.

------------------------------------

*Clapclap* Much fun. Like I said, the next chapter is floating in space somewhere and I have no clue when it'll appear. BUT MAYBE REVIEWS WILL HELP! *Snaps fingers* Onto it!

- Vappa


	3. Chapter Of Nonsense

Oh wow, I am loved! *Is loved* Thank you all for the reviews. I don't get why my humour fics seem to attract the most attention, but oh well. Such is life! But, seeing as you all like my super-retardo-story so much, it shall continue!

Joey: Hello, I'm butting in for no apparent reason, just like I'm talking to the author in real life!

Why exactly are you doing that?

Joey: Well, everyone else does it, so why not you?

I . . . do not know! Carry on then Wheeler!

Joey: OKAY! Uh . . . *whisper* what exactly is the point of this segment?

*Whisper* You tell me, YOU'RE the one who started it X(

Joey: asdkqoweinq324598nvxkajsdk11!!11!

Oh yeah, THAT made sense -.-; Just read the disclaimer like so many other authors force you to do.

Joey: A'ight. AHEM. *Brings out megaphone* THIS – STORY – IS – FICTION – AND – YUGIOH – DOES – NOT – BELONG – TO – VAPPA – SO – STOP – THINKING – THAT – BITCHES – HI – MOM!

That'll do. On to the stuff people actually want to read.

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh

------------------------------------

Chapter Of Nonsense

------------------------------------

"Dooo didoo didoo didaaaaa dididididiDAAAAAAAAAA!"

"For christ's sake, someone shut Bakura up!" Joey whined. 

"Deedlee deedlee dooooooo . . ."

"I'd like to see you try it, Joey," Ryou muttered from his place next to the Sensational Singing (and Drunk) Bakura. "You'd end up like dear old Yami." Everyone turned to look at the aforementioned Pharaoh, being carried by Joey and generally looking like someone had gotten a huge truck and run over him repeatedly. It's not entirely impossible. 

"At least he doesn't have to listen to it," Joey grumbled, then his eyes lit up. "Wait a moment! He _can_ listen to it!"

"How's that?" Tristan asked.

"This is how!" Joey proclaimed, and proceeded to drop Yami smack on his head. "Aw man, he didn't wake up." The blonde picked Yami up by the ankle and looked at him in irritation.

"Try it again," said Tristan. So Joey did. Five times. _Smack _up _smack_ up _smack_ up _smack_ up _smack _up- 

"STUPID THING'S BROKEN!" Joey howled, finally tossing Yami over his shoulder and sulking over his failure. "Well, I'm not going any further without a break." And with that, Joey flopped down on the ground and started playing his Gameboy. Everyone else followed suit.

Yugi kicked out a foot at Yami, lying in a very strange position that involved twisted limbs, a piece of concrete and a pineapple. Nearby, Bakura pirouetted around a gloomy Ryou, before dropping his arm around the boy and proclaiming "I love you" and falling asleep. And . . .

You know what? I have no idea what I'm doing with this story. It has no plot at all, except some vague idea about a duel with the President of the USA at the end. And I can't even get there without writing the bloody middle of the story, can I?! NO, I CAN'T! So what do you want from me, huh? Some brilliantly funny yet lucid chapter that somehow involves the cast of Yu-Gi-Oh, and that pineapple I mentioned earlier? Do you realize how hard that is? I mean, just LOOK at the crap on this website; if that's any indication of the quality of most humour fics, then I-

"Excuse me."

Oh what do you want, Kaiba?

"Have you finished bitching yet? This concrete is cold."

I suppose you want me to force you back up then.

"If it's not too much trouble."

Sigh . . . okay, I guess I'll just wing this and make it up as we go along then. But you aren't allowed to blame me for any horrible accidents that you fall victim to. 

"Agreed." With that, Kaiba got to his feet, pulled Mokuba up with him and set off down the road once more. Joey looked up in surprise before bounding after him, dragging Yami by the ankle and being none too careful about banging his head along the ground.

"Kaiba, where the hellya going?"

"We're leaving," the CEO said, turning to glare at Joey. "Unless you prefer sitting in the middle of Jamaica with our fabulous leader and a drunken lunatic, I suggest you come along." Three minutes later, when Joey couldn't think of any good reason _not_ to follow Kaiba's advice, he followed, along with the rest of the group. 

* INSERT LONG, BORING RANT ABOUT THEIR JOURNEY BACK TO THE PLANE HERE. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'D CARE TO HEAR ABOUT IT, NOTHING HAPPENED. WELL, BAKURA PLAYED WITH SOME SQUIRRELS FOR A BIT BUT THAT ONLY LASTED 3 SECONDS. ANYWAY. *

Eventually, they arrived back at the plane. They all stared at it (except Bakura, who was talking to the squirrel on his shoulder). Tea finally spoke up.

"Wasn't that . . . wrecked . . . last time we saw it?" For what they were looking at was a brand spanking new plane, without a scratch on it! Tada! 

"The wonders of fanfiction," muttered Kaiba under his breath.

"What did you say, big brother?" chirped Mokuba. Kaiba waved his hand as if brushing off a fly.

"Oh nothing. Let's get aboard." Unfortunately, before they could even take one step, something happened. Something so horrible, so unspeakable, so incredibly utterly AWFUL that they were stopped in their tracks instantaneously by its very occurrence.

Yami woke up.

"I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!" shouted the Pharaoh, yanking his foot out of Joey hand and standing up, looking rather like a very annoyed peacock, if you get my drift. Silence met his words, followed by a cough from the audience. Yami bristled with anger and pointed wildly at everyone. "I must know what happened, for I am Pharaoh, and you will do as I say!" Ryou squeaked and hid behind Kaiba, who tried to beat him off, but didn't succeed. 

"Well, you see-" started Tristan.

"IT WAS MUTINY THEN WAS IT?!" Yami shouted, leveling half the trees and grass with the sheer volume of his voice. "WHO LED THE MUTINY?!" 

"Uh, Yami, there was no-" Yugi tried to put in, but was promptly ignored by the enraged (and apparently nuts) Yami who stormed up to Bakura. 

"It was YOU, wasn't it? It had to be! Only a vile creature of darkness such as yourself could have led my followers to revolt against their Pharaoh!" Bakura blinked at Yami, and squinted.

"There's a vein going bonkers on ya head . . ." Yami grabbed Bakura by the shirt collar and shook him like a can of Coke.

"Didyoumakethemmutinyagainstme?!" he yelled out in one very long word. 

"We aren't mutinying, Yami," Yugi groaned, and pulled the deranged spirit off Bakura. "If you'd just open you eyes and _look_, you'll find we're back at your plane, ready to um . . . command and conquer . . . or something." Looking from his partner to the plane, to his partner again and then to Bakura (who was telling the squirrel in no uncertain terms just how low the price of toilet paper should be), Yami seemed to calm down.

"All right, Yugi, I believe you. But as for the rest of you heathen scoundrels," Yami proclaimed, making a sweeping gesture across the quite bored individuals in question, "you had better _not _mutiny against me, for I am Pharaoh, and I have powers you cannot possibly comprehend." 

Those incomprehensible powers, however, did not extend to opening the door of the plane. Everyone watched as Yami shouted "DOOR OPEN!" again and again, only to be ignored by the door. Yugi muttered something about watching too many sci-fi movies for his own good before walking up and turning the handle. 

~*~

"Okay, now listen up!" boomed the loudspeakers at a slightly less ear-breaking volume than before, thanks to Kaiba's tampering with the wires. "We are embarking on mission two of my world domination scheme: Find The Weapons. For this task, I will require Bakura to remain conscious. This is why he has been strapped to the wing of the plane."

Tristan looked out the small window to see Bakura roped down to the wing, flapping his arms and screaming "SUPERMAN! SUPERMAN! Ahahaheeehee!" He shrugged, and turned back to his knitting magazine. 

"In case of Bakura falling asleep, Ryou will be on hand with a six-pack of Heineken, for we cannot allow Bakura to stop being drunk." There was a dim yell of "Look at my hand! It has _fingers_!" from outside which they all ignored. "And now, I will begin the runway – WHAT IS IT RYOU?!"

For the third time in this fiction, Ryou was waving his arm around in the air. How exactly Yami knows when he does that is a mystery. "Yami! I thought I should tell you, about the weapons that Bakura hid that is." 

A pause, and then "Yes? What about them?"

"Well, uh, Bakura hid them where he thought no one would ever find them . . . promise you won't get mad?"

"IF YOU DO NOT HURRY UP . . ."

"Eeep, well uh-uh-uh, he, uh, um . . ."

"SPIT IT OUT!"

"He hid them on the Hubble telescope!" Ryou blurted out, much to the amazement of all. Joey gave the white-haired boy an exasperated look.

"You're kidding? On the Hubble-freaking-telescope?" Giving him a surprised look, Ryou slapped his head and laughed sheepishly.

"Oh sorry, I was thinking of the Harry Potter books he hid. He hid the weapons you're looking for on the _Death Star_."

Silence. Crickets. Another cough from the audience. More crickets. 

"I am not reassured," came Kaiba's voice from the other side of the plane. 

"The Death Star isn't real, Ryou!" Tea cried, though she didn't look convinced herself. 

"Well that's what it says here!" Ryou cried, pointing at a piece of paper marked 'Bakura's List of Stashed Weapons, Magic and Etc.' He sniffed a couple of times. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"Oh, I didn't mean . . ." Tea started, only too aware of what that watery look in his eyes meant.

"Yes you did! You don't believe me!" With that, Ryou started sobbing and bolted across the plane to Kaiba. 

"Oh shit," Kaiba managed to get out before he was tackled to the ground and nearly had his chest crushed from Ryou's hug. Paying no attention to the wild yelling and crying coming from their direction, Joey looked at the list that Ryou had let fall to the ground.

"Let's see here," he said, scanning the list. "Assassins, ouija boards, wands, MOABs, the Canadian army, sneaky sneaky ninjas, the Batmobile, plank with a nail in it, plank with _two_ nails in it, grenade launchers, pointy sticks, copies of the Spice Girls movie . . . aha! Weapons That Yami Wants. Say, he got it wrong," Joey said in relief. "It was the Spice Girls DVDs on the Death Star. Weapons That Yami Wants are hidden in Duelist Kingdom."

"To Duelist Kingdom!" roared the speakers, and the plane lurched backwards, running into a cow. "Ow, damn it, forwards you stupid vessel!" Groaning and straining, the plane managed to go forwards this time, and took off into the Jamaican sky.

------------------------------------

Yay, I did something. And it made no sense! So all's well in my world. It was completely random this chapter. Half of it was done a month ago, and half today. That might mean there's a problem with continuity . . . oh what the hell am I talking about, the whole thing is one giant problem with continuity. AND NOBODY CARES! So ha to you, Continuity Police!

. . . Oh shiz, the Continuity Police have pepper spray! *Runs like hell*

- Vappa


	4. Chapter FourruoF retpahC

Putting off exam revision is a wonderful thing, isn't it? I certainly think so. In any case, here be the next chapter of the story. Not that much happens, and what DOES happen has no point. But, you already knew that.

I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Nor do I own a jet plane. It's a sad world, isn't it?

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

Chapter FourruoF retpahC

------------------------------------

Compared to the previous flights they'd had, Yugi had to admit this one was the most relaxing. If you could consider Kaiba's constant attempts to throw Ryou across the plane, and Bakura's random squawking from the wing, and Yami's ever-changing methods of flying relaxing. _It just goes to show how bizarre the other flights were_, he thought. In any case, he was quite enjoying the relative calm. 

"So what do you reckon, Yugi?" Joey asked, waving a stack of ten dollar bills in front of him. "Two to one odds sound fair?"

"Oh, I don't know," sighed Yugi, absently swirling a finger around the edge of his cup. "I'd kinda like to place our chances of surviving this a little higher than that."

"Hm . . . how about two to one odds that Yami cracks before he becomes leader and marries Britney Spears?"

"Now that I'll bet on," Yugi grinned, handing over his cash. 

"Pleasure doing business with you, my man. Hey Kaiba!" Joey shouted, standing up and gesturing with his money in his direction. "You up for a wager?"

The aforementioned CEO looked up with a grimace. "Not right now . . . I have pressing matters to attend to." To prove his point, he picked up his crowbar again and wedged it between himself and Ryou, trying in vain to pry the sobbing boy off him. Mokuba, however, jumped up from his spot next to Kaiba and ran up to Joey.

"I'll place a bet!" 

"Sure thing kid! What d'you wanna bet on, and what odds?"

"Hm . . ." Mokuba chewed his finger a bit in thought, then looked back up at Joey with an evil glint in his eyes. "I bet that by the end of the trip, my brother will be in love with Ryou. Three to one odds."

"Mokuba!" Kaiba howled in shock, managing to get to his feet with Ryou the Klingon still attached. "How could you?!"

"Come on, you're cute together!" 

"He's got a point Kaiba," Joey said in false honesty, beaming at the pair. "Why, your Coke can could be the Best Man at your wedding."

"You leave Bob out of this," Kaiba growled. He then hoisted Ryou up and threw him into a chair. Stalking back to his corner, Kaiba pulled out his dented Coke can and started stroking it. Being disturbed by that already, Joey decided to ignore the fact that he was also whispering _'My precioussss'_ under his breath. 

"Um, yes, well, thanks for betting with me Mokuba." Joey picked up his backpack full of cash and sat next to Tea. He then started counting all of it. "100, 200, 300, I love to count! Ha ha ha!" Tea just gave him a weird look. Clearly the man had watched too much Sesame Street in his youth and it had affected him adversely. 

Ryou, who had landed on his head, flipped over rightways again to sit in his chair. The lights around him dimmed as he curled into a little ball. Yugi looked over, but couldn't see much because the lights had gone out, so he got up and went over. As he got closer, he was slightly disturbed to hear sad violin music in the background but ignored it. 

"Hey Ryou," he said, dropping into the seat next to the white-haired boy. The music screeched to a halt and the lights flared up again. 

"Oh hey Yugi!" Ryou said happily, uncoiling himself. "So what do you reckon the weapons will be like?" Yugi blinked. Hadn't Ryou been terminally depressed and weepy just five seconds ago? Was it really possible to switch that quickly between emotions?

Warily eyeing the insanely happy smile on Ryou's face, Yugi put it down to brain damage and forgot about it.

"I thought you would know, Ryou. I mean, Bakura's _your_ yami, after all." They both turned and looked out the window. Strapped to the wing, Bakura was having a rollicking good time waving some streamers around. 

"He doesn't tell me that much about what he does," Ryou answered. "He likes to keep his secret plans secret. He only tells me about the Uber-Evil Destroy Yami ones."

"How come he tells you about those?" Ryou shifted and looked uncomfortable.

"I dunno if I should say," he mumbled, glancing in the cockpits direction. 

"You can say it," Yugi said, patting him on the shoulder. "We're all thinking it, and Kaiba doesn't let a minute go by without saying it." As if to prove his point, there was a loud shout of '_That bastard pharaoh!_' from the other side of the plane. "See?"

"Oh, okay then. Bakura lets me see those because he knows that I . . . that I hate Yami too."

"Congratulations Ryou!" Yugi shouted, shaking hands with him. "Admitting that you hate someone is the first step towards spiritual healing!" A group of cheering people appeared out of nowhere and handed Ryou some flowers, causing him to blush insanely and rub the back of his head. 

"Well, gosh, I don't know what to say," he gushed. "I guess I'd like to thank the Academy, and my mother of course-"

"WHAT ABOUT ME, RAIYOOOO?" came Bakura's voice from outside.

"And Bakura! I couldn't have admitted my hate without you, because you created the hate inside me!"

"YEAAAHA, I SURE DID!" cheered Bakura, waving a 'Go Team' banner in front of the passenger window, having somehow broken out of his restraints to get there.

Suddenly, the plane jerked violently and spun upside down, promptly killing Ryou's happy moment. Everyone started screaming as the plane continued to rotate at faster and faster speeds. Or, well, most of them started screaming. Yami was too busy being asleep at the wheel to notice. 

"Aaaaargh, we're gonna _die!_' yelled Joey as he crashed into Tristan. "What the hell is that idiot doing?!"

"Eek!" shrieked Tea, colliding headfirst with Ryou, sending them both into girly crying fits.

"That _tears_ it! I'm going in there," Kaiba declared. He somehow managed to spin himself into the unobstructed back of the plane and kicked off against the wall, propelling himself missile-style towards the cockpit. There was a tremendous smash as Kaiba tore through the wall. 

Trying to watch what Kaiba was doing, Yugi saw to his horror that they were in a nosedive. He also saw Kaiba start throttling Yami, who was apparently unconscious. "You idiot! Can't you work _any_ piece of technology without it blowing up in your _face_?! You'd think it was _hard_ or something! Christ, you can't even program the VCR without it blowing up-"

"Kaiba!" Yugi cried, somehow banging into the ruined cockpit door and holding on for dear life. "I think there are more important matters than strangling Yami right now!"

"Oh yeah, like what?" Frantic, Yugi pointed at the cockpit windows.

"LIKE THE FACT THAT THE GROUND IS RUSHING UP TO MEET US VERY _VERY _FAST!!" Kaiba turned and looked out the window.

"Oh . . ." he muttered. And then something slammed into Yugi's head and everything went black.

~*~

There was something tickling his face. Mokuba grunted and turned away, but whatever it was came back. Opening his eyes, he came face-to-face with what looked like-

"AAAAAARRGH!" he shouted, kicking the Pikachu away from him. The yellow rat rolled over about five times, then stood up unsteadily. It gave a very disgruntled "Pika" before prancing off over the wreckage and out of sight. Staring after it, Mokuba counted himself lucky that he hadn't been killed by the deranged animal. Death by Pokemon was one of the worst fates imaginable.

Remembering what had happened before he blacked out, he looked around. The plane was a complete disaster. If it could even be considered a plane anymore. It seemed like the wings had been torn off, and only the body of the plane had made it to the ground. Blinking, he stood up and tried to spot his brother amongst the wreckage.

"Seto? Seto, are you there?" he called, looking under a broken pot plant. He heard a muffled groan from behind him. Hurrying over, he dropped to his knees and started digging through the rubble. After tossing aside numerous chairs, tea trays and Ryou's flowers, he saw part of a shirt. He poked it. Seto didn't usually wear green, did he? "Are you under there Seto?"

"I'm not Seto," coughed the green-clad person. "I'm Joey. Or I _was_ before that freaking idiot crashed the plane. For all I know I'm missing both my legs." Pushing a piece of timber away from his head he sat up on his elbows. To both his and Mokuba's surprise, there was another groan from under him. Joey lifted his arm to find the very distinctive white trenchcoat of Seto Kaiba.

"Uhhhgh . . . damn . . . Wheeler?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Good. Now GET YOUR ELBOWS OFF OF MY CHEST!" Joey sprang up like he'd been electrocuted. A very annoyed and dirty Kaiba popped out of the wreckage behind him. "I swear, if you start making a habit of falling on top of me, I'll report you for sexual harassment."

"Oh come off it, Kaiba, nobody likes you enough to harass you." Joey was promptly silenced by a Coke can to the head. 

"We should find the others," Mokuba said, looking around. 

"Not Yami," Kaiba and Joey said in unison, then glared at each other. "You stole my line!" they both shouted, and proceeded to have a fist fight. Mokuba just watched as Joey pinned his brother to the floor and shouted "Victory!" before being kicked across the cabin. However, instead of hitting the wall of the cabin, Joey flew further and landed _outside_ of the cabin some 20 feet away. 

Joey rubbed his head as Kaiba and Mokuba exited the plane to stand with him. He looked up, then past them. "Hey, you know what? I don't think that's the whole plane." Sure enough, he was right. It was only half of the plane. "I wonder where the others are."

"In the case of Yami, hopefully a galaxy far far away," growled Kaiba, hauling Joey to his feet by his neck. 

"Wait a minute," Mokuba said, looking around. "Where are we?" They all stared around, before their gazes all landed on a flashing neon sign that said '_Welcome to Duellist Kingdom. Please leave your moral inhibitions at the door. Entrance fee: one soul'_

"At least he managed to crash on target . . . useless git," Joey said, glancing around at the trees. 

"I severely doubt it was intentional," muttered Kaiba.

"We should head to Pegasus' castle then. I mean, that's the most logical place to go," observed Mokuba.

"Why is that logical?"

"Because . . . um . . . because . . . well, everything happens in the middle of the island. It's like an unwritten law." The three of them stood in silence for a few minutes, watching the trees rustle in the breeze. The quiet ended when a bag of popcorn hit Joey in the head.

"Ow!" he cried.

"Hurry up and do something!" shouted someone from the audience.

"Why I ougtta-" he started, storming off in the direction of that very impatient viewer. He was stopped short by Kaiba yanking the chain around his neck and cutting off his air. 

"Hold it, puppy. We're going to Duellist Kingdom."

"Fine," Joey grumbled. "Let's go then." He tried to march off in the opposite direction, only to be stopped again by Kaiba choking him with the necklace.

"It's not that way, it's _this_ way."

"It is _not_, you stupid moron, it's this way! I know this island like the back of my hand." He paused and looked at the back of his hand. "I don't remember that tattoo being there . . ."

"Listen, it's this way, and that's final."

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"IS NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

Mokuba just sighed as the two started pulling each other's hair and clawing with their nails.

~*~

Meanwhile, in the audience . . . 

~*~

"This story sucks, you know?" someone said to their friend.

"I know!" he replied, slurping some of his Coke. "I mean, they need friggin' _prompts_ to keep moving."

"And I don't detect any logical storyline," interjected a girl in the row before them.

"Hell, why are we even still here?" the first guy said, standing up. "Let's go see something interesting."

"Yeah! Let's go see Kill Bill!" The three of them cheered, and left the cinema. Unnoticed by the kids, the author watched them go. Sighing, she turned back to the screen where Joey and Kaiba were still having their bitch fight.

"Idiots," Vappa said, biting into her ice cream. "Don't they know that Kill Bill is an R rated movie?" She grinned malevolently. "They'll be back . . . they _always_ come back. Ahahahahaaha!" The other people in the cinema turned to stare at the insane author, laughing her head off in a very Dr. Evil-ish way.

------------------------------------

Meh. I don't like this chapter much. But you'll be back. You _always_ come back. Ahahahahaaha!

- Vappa


	5. I Can't Believe It's Not Another Chapter...

Grawr! I return! *Ignores the boos and sighs from the audience* We hate the audience anyway. Lousy no good ingrates. INGRATES! *Dodges popcorn* Ah fooey. I'll just get on with it. And this happy chapter gets a promotion, from PG to PG-13!

YuGiOh doesn't belong to me. Stupid. *Is knocked unconscious by a large Coke bottle*

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

I Can't Believe It's Not Another Chapter!

------------------------------------

Yami was not a happy man . . . uh, spirit. Pharaoh-dude. Whatever. Point being, he was not happy. Why wasn't he happy? Well, for one thing, he was currently stuck between a rock and a hard place. Literally.

"Is anyone out there?!" he shouted, twisting under the large Acme boulder. "I could really use some help here!" There was the sound of footsteps, and he twisted his head back to look at who it was.

Bakura peered down at him from above. "What's our favourite pharaoh doing today, eh?"

"I'm having a damn tea party," Yami snarled sarcastically. However, in his drunken state, Bakura didn't pick up on it very well.

"Ooh, really? Tha' sounds nice. Can I join ya?" Without waiting for permission Bakura flopped down on top of the boulder and started pouring himself some Earl Grey, before adding liberal amounts of vodka. 

Yami seethed. "YOU MORON! DO YOU NOT KNOW SARCASM WHEN YOU HEAR IT?!" 

"Whazzat? Sah Chasm? I've never been to Sah Chasm," Bakura giggled, sloshing his tea all over Yami's head. "I been to th' GRAND CANYON though, and lemme tell ya somethin' . . . it ain't that grand."

Unable to contain his rage any longer, Yami exploded the boulder apart with his shadow magic. He picked himself up off the ground and dusted his shirt off, trying to regain some dignity. Whatever piece of dignity he'd gotten back however disappeared when Bakura slung his arm around his shoulders. "So where to, Cap'n? I hear the moon's nice this time o' year."

"Argh!" Yami shouted, pushing the tomb robber away. "I have no time for your drunken shenanigans! I must find the weapons that you stashed here, and the rest of my troops. Pathetic as they may be, they are a great deal more useful and coherent than you." 

"Awwww," Bakura purred. "I love ya too Yammy." Venting his annoyance on a nearby tree (poor tree, never stood a chance), Yami seized Bakura by the wrist and started dragging him along the path towards the Duellist Kingdom castle.

~*~

"So," said Tea.

"So," said Tristan.

"So," said Ryou.

The three so-sayers stood in a circle, lost in thought. Or perhaps lost in insanity. I don't know. I don't particularly want to find out. Having gotten out of their third of airplane some time ago, they were attempting to figure out what to do.

After a few more minutes of silence, Tea spoke up again.

"We're definitely in Duellist Kingdom's castle then."

"Looks that way," Tristan mused, studying a painting nearby.

"Strange," Ryou added, also staring at the painting, which portrayed a very drunk Pegasus having a party with Marik Ishtar, The Riddler and Darth Vader, under the title '_International Bad-ass Villains Convention 02_'. There was a pause in the conversation . . . if you can call it that.

"So," said Tristan.

"So," said Tea.

"So," said Ryou.

This went on for quite some time. They aren't terribly clever, are they? Anyway, they eventually moved out of their stupor and began to walk down the hallway they were in.

"I suppose we should find the others, shouldn't we?" Ryou asked, trying to brush a stubborn piece of grass off his shirt. Tristan folded his arms as he walked and huffed.

"I don't know. Why would we want to? We'll just be rounded up to take over the world again for that dumbass Pharaoh. Doesn't sound like my idea of a good time really.

"And, you know, we wouldn't even be helping much," sighed Tea. "We haven't had much of a say lately in anything."

"You're right, Tea." Tristan halted and looked at the other two. "Do you ever get the feeling that we're pointless background characters whose only purpose is to provide the heroes with something to rescue or a romantic interest?"

Tea nodded solemnly. Ryou rubbed his chin in thought, and then smiled a bit. "It could be worse, Tristan. We could be Duke Devlin." They all laughed and agreed, continuing down the passageway.

~*~

Back in Domino, Duke jumped suddenly and lifted his head off the table. "Did somebody say my name?" he wondered aloud.

~*~

"It was green!"

"It was _purple_!"

"Green!"

"Purple!"

"Green!" 

"Purple!"

"Bloody GREEN!"

"Damned PURPLE!"

"_Shut the FLYING F**K UP, please_!" Both Kaiba and Joey stared at Mokuba in shock. The kid was giving them both extremely aggravated looks, and it was fair to say that he had inherited some of his brother's frightening 'charm'. "You two have been going on and on like a broken record for _hours_. I'm sick of it! So just _shut up_ for once and let me speak." The two older boys were quite silent, so he continued. "Now listen, and listen good. Joey, Seto was correct about the direction to the castle." Kaiba smirked. "Seto, Joey was right about the falling boulders." Joey stuck his tongue out at Kaiba. "Joey was right about the banshee, but was wrong about the werewolf. Seto was right about Madonna's hair colour and the underground passages, but got the time of the next emergency bombing run wrong. And you are _both_ wrong about the colour of Bakura's original hair colour. It was blue. That's it for what you were arguing about. And I don't want to hear another word of disagreement from either of you, or there'll be hell to pay, got it?"

Kaiba and Joey muttered something along the lines of 'yes sir' while looking at the ground. Giving a satisfied nod, the younger Kaiba brother turned and continued along the forest path. They looked at each other briefly, then away again. "We shall agree," Kaiba said softly, "that Mokuba is wrong."

"Yes," whispered Joey, before they both followed Mokuba. A short while later (my, how exciting my writing skills are) they emerged out of the forest. Before them, in all its fruity-Pegasus-like glory, was the castle. Such a sight had never been seen before by mortal man. Resplendent in stone of the finest grain, it glowed softly in the sunlight. The two knights stood in front of the castle, knowing the deadly peril hidden behind its deceptively lavish doors.

"Lancelot," said Arthur, adjusting his helmet. "Whatever happens next, it has been a pleasure battling beside thee."

"No, the honour is mine, worthy knight," replied Lancelot, as he . . . wait.

*Flips through some pages* 

Oh, sorry. Wrong script.

*Tosses it aside and picks up 'For I Am Pharaoh*

Right.

"Back at this castle again," muttered Kaiba. "Someone should have blown it up while they had the chance."

"Hell, I'll do it, just as soon as we find the others," Joey offered, pulling a stick of dynamite out of his pocket and brandishing it at the castle. Mokuba stared at the dynamite.

"Uh, Joey?"

"What is it Mokuba?"

"Don't let Yami see that." Joey suddenly looked shocked and stuffed the dynamite back into his pants. 

"Damn, I'd better not. He'd probably go waving it around like a wand and knighting his subjects with it."

"That's not what I meant," Mokuba said but Joey had already run halfway up the steps. Sighing, he followed along with Kaiba. Once they got to the top, they promptly ignored the sign on the door ('No entry without an invitation, appointment or Mardi Gras costume') and barged right in. Kids today, no manners. 

The entrance hall was, for lack of better term, enormous. Three houses could have quite easily fit inside it. As they walked through it, Joey got the distinct feeling of being as insignificant as an ant. The feeling wasn't helped by the huge statue of an anteater right in front of him.

"Disturbing décor," he said.

"Indeed," Kaiba answered, looking at the ceiling, which was covered with images of Funny Bunny, that ridiculous cartoon that Pegasus adored so much. He shuddered slightly. "Rascally rabbits . . ."

Just then, the doors banged open again and Yami bolted inside, looking a bit more insane than usual. "Stay away from me, you deranged freak!" he shouted at the doors. After a moment, Bakura danced in after him. He dropped the pogo stick he'd been carrying and gaped at the room.

"Holy cow, Yami-man, jus' lookat this room!" Yami wasn't looking at the room though. He ran up to Joey and hid behind him.

"He is cursed, I tell you. Cursed!"

"Oh get offa me, Yami," Joey groaned, elbowing the pharaoh in the face. Yami dropped to the floor. Rubbing his nose, he got back up and started punching Joey in the back.

"How dare you do that to me! Have you no respect for your Pharaoh?" Joey, however, just studied his nails as Yami kept thumping his fist into him. After all, Joey is much, much bigger than Yami. 

"Hey, guys!" They turned to look at the side door, where Tristan, Tea and Ryou had just appeared. "I see you found us all right." Joey looked at Mokuba blankly.

"Were we looking for them?" he whispered. Mokuba just shrugged. Joey shrugged as well and went up to Tristan. "Uh, yeah, man, we found you okay. None of you got hurt or anything?"

"Nope." Ryou looked around and spotted Bakura. As he watched, he saw Bakura walk a slow circuit around the room, apparently fixated on the decorations. Seeing this as a bad sign, he chose to ignore it. If he couldn't see it, it wouldn't be a problem. That is the mentality of Ryou. 

Most of the group got into a circle and started talking. What this meant was this: Yami tried to shout his servants into submission, but was ignored; Kaiba and Joey started arguing about whether the duelling platform was in the left wing or the right wing; Ryou and Tea played hopscotch; Mokuba kicked Yami in the leg for good measure and Tristan stood there like an idiot. Yugi was nowhere to be found, but none of them had noticed that fact yet. 

Now, Bakura had other ideas. He discretely left the room and went down one of the many hallways. He was beginning to think a bit clearer. He knew where he was now, and what he was doing. And what he did know was that he was getting a splitting headache and nauseous feeling in his stomach. Yes, he was getting a hangover. In case you don't remember what Ryou said back in chapter two, this is a bad thing.

"Confounded modern drinks," he grumbled, massaging his temples. As he passed by a doorway, he noticed something on the periphery of his vision that made him pause. He turned back and went through the open doorway . . . and froze.

"Bakura? What are you doing over here, Bakura?" called Ryou as he came up behind him. "You shouldn't run off by yourse-" When he saw what was in the room, Ryou froze too.

Right across the other side of the room were two people, who appeared for all the world to be their exact doubles. The two pairs stared at each other. 

"Holy crap," Bakura said at last, staring at them. "They look just like us." One of the boys across the room – the one who looked like Bakura – took a step forward.

"Who are you, and why do you share our form?"

"Excuse me?!" Bakura asked indignantly. "I believe _you_ are the one who stole our looks."

"I beg to differ!" shouted the other Bakura.

"Wait, please, just a second!" Ryou stepped in, knowing full well what two Bakuras might be capable of. "Just tell us what your names are, please." The other Ryou glanced at the other Bakura, then cleared his throat.

"Well, my name's Bakura Ryou, and this is Yami no Bakura." 

"No . . . kidding . . ." Ryou said in surprise, looking at Yami no Bakura strangely. Yami no Bakura just continued to glare daggers at Bakura. As they stood there, the doors behind Yami no Bakura opened, and a bunch of other people piled in. 

"Bakura?" inquired one of them, who looked disturbingly similar to Yugi. "What's going on here? And – whoah. Look at that!" he said, having spotted Ryou and Bakura on the other side. Ryou gave Bakura a worried and confused look. 

"Bakura," he whined. "I'm confused. Why is there suddenly a bunch of people who look like us?"

"How the hell should I know?" Suddenly, they could all hear that familiar booming/annoying voice of their omnipotent Pharaoh coming closer.

"Bakura! Ryou! Do _not_ desert me when I have need of you," he raged, storming up behind them with the other members of their group. Then he noticed what Ryou was staring at. "What . . . what magic is this?!" The duplicate of Yami on the other side of the room looked equally shocked. 

"Well, that's certainly strange," muttered Kaiba, giving his double the once-over. The Yugi on the other side of the room tugged his yami's sleeve.

"Mou Hitori no Boku, what's going on here?"

"I do not know, aibou, but I intend to find out," replied Mou Hitori no Yuugi. 

"As do I," snarled Yami, taking a step forward. "For I am Pharaoh, and _nobody_ takes on my appearance without my permission.

"Crikey, would you look at this?! It looks like a showdown between the English and the Japanese cast, boys and girls. Things could get pretty ugly here! Danger danger!"

"Who let Steve Irwin in here?"

"Oh crikey, I've been spotted! I'd better get out of here quick, as they'll see this as an invasion of their natural habitat!" 

"Somebody shoot him." There was a loud bang as Tea unloaded her handgun into the Crocodile Hunter, rendering him silent.

"Thank god for that," said Yami. "Now!" He turned back to Mou Hitori no Yuugi. "We must determine who is the _real_ Pharaoh here!"

"Yes, indeed," Mou Hitori no Yuugi said evilly, advancing on Yami.

------------------------------------

Oh, aren't I cruel? Leaving you on a point like that? Well too bad! If I was going to finish the English vs. Japanese battle here, it would be way too long. So you'll have to wait and see who is victorious in the next chapter.

- Vappa (my money's on the Japanese guys)


	6. Now For Something Completely Different

               Hello again! Nice to have you with me. Today I'm going to attempt to start AND finish a chapter within 2 hours? Can this be done, I hear you ask? Well we're going to find out, aren't we? Thankfully, I've gotten myself a new muse. His name is BADOR. He's a Winged Dragon of Ra model kit that I bought at Kmart for $22.95, who sits on my table next to my dueling deck and my sunglasses. For today, he's sitting on the table next to me, kind of snarling in my general direction. He could tear my arm off if he wanted. Seriously. He's got these big-ass pointy claws . . .

               In any case, he will be giving me inspiration! That is, when he isn't eating my sister's Pikachu figurines. Mwahaha. 

BADOR would like to inform you that YuGiOh does not belong to Vappa. So pay attention. Because BADOR stands for "Bad-Ass Dragon Of Ra" and you don't wanna get on his bad side. Trust me.

TO SOME SELECT REVIEWERS!

Riskygamble: I don't know if Joey will be tied up again. Perhaps, but not by Kaiba. He's had his fun, let someone else have a go.

Joeyz girl: Every story needs some LotR. It's like the spice of life!

PsychoSisters: A rabid monkey hm? We shall see . .  right now, the characters are all pretty rabid themselves. And Tea likes to keep her gun hidden where no one will ever see it . . . in her shoe. 

Towairaito Zoon: Yami, a protagonist? I laugh at the idea XD. He was NEVER a protagonist in this story.

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

And Now For Something Completely Different

------------------------------------

Everyone watched in anticipation, as Yami advanced on Mou Hitori no Yuugi. The two walked straight up to each other, both giving off their trademark 'I'm a bad-ass mofo so watch out!' smirks. They came within striking distance of each other. And stopped. And glared. Slowly, Yami reached into his pocket. Mou Hitori no Yuugi watched him do so, expecting the moment when this absurd imposter drew out his dueling deck. However, that is not what happened.

Yami extracted a white glove from his pocket. He returned his piercing gaze to Mou Hitori no Yuugi. "Sir, you have offended me greatly," he stated loudly. Raising his hand, holding the glove, he declared, "_I challenge you to a duel!_" And slapped the glove across Mou Hitori no Yuugi's face.

On the Japanese side of the room, everyone gasped in shock and confusion. Just what was this strange alter-Mou Hitori no Yuugi doing? 

On the English side, everyone just sighed. That was Yami for you. Being an utter retard at a whim.

To everyone's surprise, Mou Hitori no Yuugi grinned savagely. "I accept your challenge," he announced. And then, he took out a black glove from his pants and whapped Yami's cheek with it. "Pistols at dawn?"

"Actually, I was thinking fist fight, right now," admitted Yami. Mou Hitori no Yuugi shrugged.

"Sounds good to me." With that, he launched himself at Yami.

THE DUEL WAS ON.

"Come on Other Yuugi, you can do it!" shouted the Japanese version of Tea from her side of the field. "Do it for our love and friendship!" Tea scowled at her. 

"Who are _you_ to talk about love and friendship? _I _amthe motivational speaker around here."

"Oh yeah?!" cried the other Tea. "Well I, Mazaki Anzu, have been motivating people since before you were _dubbed_, little girl."

"You bitch!" shrieked Tea, and she jumped over the furious Yami/Mou Hitori no Yuugi struggle and charged at Anzu. The two girls began slapping, pulling hair and tearing clothes, shrieking like a pair of kittens all the while.

Unnoticed in the middle of the floor was the original battle of Good Versus . . . uh . . . Slightly Better. Yami slammed Mou Hitori no Yuugi's head into the ground, but was thrown off unexpectedly when the Japanese spirit twisted around and used both feet to kick him off. Flying across the room, Yami crashed into the wall. As he dropped to the floor, he righted himself and landed on all fours. Mou Hitori no Yuugi came running at him. The would-be world leader was ready. Just as Mou Hitori no Yuugi came close enough to kick him Yami grabbed his foot in midair and wrenched it around. Mou Hitori no Yuugi spun awkwardly and landed on his back, hard. Then Yami was on top of him, trying furiously to stab him with the Millenium Puzzle.

On the other side of the room, another fight had started. Joey had mistakenly claimed that he was far better looking than his Japanese counterpart. Jounouchi took this rather . . . seriously . . . and proceeded to punch Joey in the face. "Who's pretty now, jackass?" Jounouchi shouted, stomping on Joey's stomach with his foot. 

"I'll tell ya who," yelled Joey. He leapt up suddenly and delivered a nasty kick to _the nether regions_ of Jounouchi. "Me!" he shouted in victory as Jounouchi howled, falling over instantly. 

"That was low, man!" Jounouchi said in a strangled voice, squirming on the ground.

"You bet your sweet ass it was low!" The two blondes engaged in a flurry of punches and kicks, periodically landing shots to _the nether regions_. Because those two fight dirty, no matter what language they speak. 

Bakura glared at Yami no Bakura. "You think your shadow powers are greater than mine?" he asked in a sinister voice. Yami no Bakura shook his head, sending his wild hair flying.

"No, I _know_ they are greater." Clenching his fists hard enough to crack knuckles, Bakura bared his teeth.

"_Prooooove_ _it_," he hissed. Before Yami no Bakura could have a chance to react, Bakura concentrated shadow energy into his body and blasted a powerful wave at his counterpart. Yami no Bakura was no slouch, and shielded the attack with shadow energy of his own. They began to hurl shadow forms at each other, attempting to outdo their opposite with greater and greater power. Shadow swords, bombs, antelope, vodka bottles, model kits, computer monitors, bowling pins, dictionaries, boomboxes and Jerry Springers flew back and forth across the room, clashing against each other and spiraling off into the other people fighting in the room. 

Honda, having a brutal battle with Tristan, was suddenly hit by a shadow Jerry Springer. The two brunettes toppled over. "Thanks for being with us today, and I hope you can resolve your issues," said the shadow Jerry Springer. Glaring at him, then at each other, Tristan and Honda both slammed the shadow Jerry Springer through the wall before continuing their own fight. 

Screaming a savage war cry, Mou Hitori no Yuugi hurled Yami through the air by his arm. Yami flailed desperately but could do nothing as he fell back to earth. Right on top of Joey. "Aaaargh!" Yami shouted as he whammed into Joey's back, knocking the taller boy to the ground. Joey, seething with anger, hauled Yami up by the neck. "You _f**ker_ of a Pharaoh!" he shouted, shaking the demented spirit. He noticed Jounouchi standing to his left, watching.

"One moment please," he said to Jounouchi, who nodded. Joey then drew back his fist and hit Yami right back over to Mou Hitori no Yuugi, who caught him and proceeded to use him as a battering ram against the solid brick wall. 

"Oh dear," squeaked Ryou, watching the carnage all around him. "Ohdearohdearohdearohdear – EEK!" He had to dodge as Tea shot past, followed by an enraged Anzu. "Oh dear, oh dear, oh _dear_ . . ." he started rambling again, too horrified to do anything. Suddenly he saw a hideous shadow lawn mower screaming towards him at an incredible pace. He would have surely been killed if not for the pair of arms that yanked him out of the path of the dark grass-killing machine. "OhdearohdearohdearohdearohDEARGOD!" he wailed, sobbing into Japanese Bakura's shirt. Japanese Bakura just gave him a strange look.

"You certainly are a wimpy one," he stated, pulling the hysterical Ryou out of the way of another flying person, who might have been Jounouchi but was going too fast to tell. 

The two Kaibas watched from their position leaning against the door. As they watched, Mou Hitori no Yuugi was flung into the chandelier above. 

"Well," said Japanese Kaiba, keeping a firm grip on his brother's shoulder. "This is very interesting." 

The chandelier fell from the ceiling, bringing a screaming Mou Hitori no Yuugi down with it on top of Yami. There was an explosion of glass shards. English Kaiba pulled his own Mokuba out of the way of a particularly large chunk, which actually looked like a piece of Yami's hair.

"Very interesting indeed," he replied. 

"Do they act like this where you come from?"

"Unfortunately, yes." Kaiba glanced at the Japanese version of himself. "I assume you were also forced to join them under unavoidable and ridiculous circumstances?"

"Mmm," Japanese Kaiba nodded, smirking at the sight of Joey strangling Honda with one of Yuugi's belt straps. "However, you must admit it's entertaining."

"Very much so."

"Niisama?" Japanese Mokuba spoke up, tugging at his brothers' sleeve. "Have they all gone crazy?"

"You know, I think they were crazy to begin with," said English Mokuba, staring at Anzu's attempts to bash English Bakura's head in with a shoe.

"Yes," agreed both Kaibas. A sobbing Ryou was dragged past with Japanese Bakura, attempting to get out of the way of the two fighting Pharaohs who had commandeered the use of some rather large swords. 

THE DUEL RAGED ON.

~*~

"Oh, this is wrong, this is all wrong," moaned Yuugi, wandering around the empty corridors of the castle. He had left the insanity of the room unnoticed, having no duplicate of his own to contend with. He felt bad about leaving his friends, but so consumed were they with beating their English doubles that they were frightening to be around. It had certainly been unexpected to find them there. But, strangely enough, he had been the only one without a copy of himself. He thought that was probably a good thing; he had read about doppleganger syndrome, whereupon seeing an exact double of yourself both were compelled to destroy the other. Still . . . it made him feel left out.

Yuugi sat down heavily on the stairs he had been climbing. Sighing, he gazed out the window. It wasn't very interesting though: apparently the stage crew had forgotten to put up the backdrop, so all he could see was a bunch of teamsters drinking coffee and fooling around with a prop-Millenium Rod. 

"Having a bad day?" came a voice from behind him. Turning, he looked up and saw . . . himself. His double walked down the couple of steps separating them and sat next to him. 

"Y-yeah," Yuugi stammered in surprise, staring blatantly at the other Yuugi. 

"Hm, me too," he said, pushing some hair out of his face.

"Are you . . . are you from the English version?"

"Yeah, I am. Yugi Moto, nice to meet you." Yuugi shook hands with Yugi, grateful to _finally_ meet his double. 

"Mutou Yuugi," he introduced himself. "You weren't with the others when I saw them." Yugi sighed.

"I think I must have fallen out of the plane we got here on . . . it crashed, you know. I only got here a few minutes ago. I took one look at what was happening in that room and left."

"Smart move. I did too after they started trying to kill each other." They were silent for a few minutes. Yugi then suddenly pounded the floor with his fist.

"It's all Yami's fault! Mister 'I'm a big shot Pharaoh who's gonna own the world' doesn't know when to quit!" Yuugi looked at him with pity.

"He seems really bad in your universe. I mean, Mou Hitori no Boku is kinda bad, he kills people and everything . . . but he doesn't want to take over the world."

"I know, it's not fair."

"I blame bad scripting, you know? Some of the absurd stuff these writers come up with, for no reason at all."

"That makes sense. I mean, I got forgotten for a whole chapter, and only got a throw-away line to pretend that they _hadn't_ forgotten about me until that moment."

"That's so not-cool." 

"You're telling me," huffed Yugi. "And I have some serious concerns about these supposed weapons of Bakura's we're meant to find." He blinked at looked at Yuugi. "So what are _you_ guys here for?"

Flushing a bit, Yuugi averted his gaze to the ceiling to avoid looking at Yugi. "Well um . . . we were brought here by a . . . um . . . a yaoi writer."

Yugi stared.

"What's yaoi?"

"It's . . . it's um . . . well, it's not pleasant. I'll just say that it involved a massive plot to _involve_ everyone with each other. But, anyway," he changed the subject quickly, lest Yugi figure out what he was implying. "How d'you think we're going to stop them fighting?"

"I have no idea. I was sort of thinking of just letting them kill each other . . . but I still like most of my friends, and you deserve to get yours back."

"Well," Yuugi mused, rubbing his chin in thought. "There is one thing we could use."

"Really, like what?"

"It's a big thing. It can only be used once, and they only give you one per adventure, so usually you should save it as long as humanly possible. But I think this is a serious enough situation for it." Yugi was all ears . . . not literally, you freaks. Get your minds out of the side-show.

"What is it?"

"It's the Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device."

"Sounds cool."

Yuugi nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, it is! The Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device is really awesome. It can take any situation and just _end it_, miraculously! Like nothing ever happened."

"But . . . wouldn't that be kind of weird? To end something without properly resolving it?"

"That's the beauty of the Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device. _Nobody notices it_. It's as easy as cutting a piece of paper in half."

"Oh that's awesome! So does every character get one?"

"Yeah, but very few of them can use it. It's very rare in canon characters, but more common in originals. It's practically an epidemic in Mary-Sues though. But hey, I figured out a while ago that I have one. You should too." Yugi looked doubtful.

"How do I know if I have one?"

"Just check your pocket." 

Yugi dipped his hand into his pocket and began rummaging around. His fingers happened upon something that _definitely _hadn't been there before. He pulled it out in wonder. For all intents and purposes, it looked like a miniature figurine of John Edwards.

"The faker psychic guy?" he asked, poking the figurine.

"Yup," Yuugi answered. "He's the master of vague explanations. Now, to use it, just go back into the room and shout 'I BID THEE UNDONE, HORRIBLE SCENARIO!' and throw the Fantastic Fantiction Plothole Device on the ground. Then everything will be good again. Or, at least, back to the way it was before the fight."

"Thank you _so_ much," Yugi said happily, standing up. Yuugi got up with him and gave him a quick hug.

"I hope it works out for you."

"Me too. Good luck with your yaoi thing, whatever it is!" Yugi ran off down the hall, leaving Yuugi alone again. 

"Yes . . . the yaoi thing . . ." he sighed. "Better get back to Pegasus' bedroom then. He'll be missing his heart-print boxers."

~*~

THE DUEL WAS STILL RAGING ON LIKE A BIG RAGING THING.

Yugi just watched in shame as Yami continued throttling Mou Hitori no Yuugi. He walked out into the center of the room, ignoring Bakura and Yami no Bakura. They had apparently given up on shadow magic a while ago and had settled for biting each other. Japanese Bakura was trying in vain to pull his yami off the other's arm. Ryou just sobbed nearby. The only sane ones in the room, the four Kaiba brothers, were hiding in the left corner from the twin wraths of Jounouchi and Joey, who had gotten their hands on some flamethrowers. They didn't have very good aim. Beating his arm out when it caught fire accidentally, Yugi reached the center of the catastrophe.

"Here goes nothing," he muttered, then raised the Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device high above his head. "_I BID THEE UNDONE,_" he shouted loudly, drowning out the shrieks of Tea and Anzu, "_HORRIBLE SCENARIO!_" The tiny John Edwards said "I think I'm getting something . . . yes . . . you want this to end, don't you?" With that prompt, Yugi hurled the figurine into the ground as hard as he could.

The John Edwards . . . ah, Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device . . . exploded in a huge cloud of glittering smoke, quickly engulfing the whole room. There were cries of confusion, and then . . .

. . . Joey handed him a can of Diet Coke. "Just don't let Kaiba see you drinking that. He'll go mental on your ass." 

Yugi blinked in surprise and looked around. They were back in the plane. The plane was in one piece. They were flying through the air. He sighed in relief and sank back into the chair. Finally, some semi-normality. Opening the Diet Coke, he glanced up warily at Joey.

"Do you, uh . .  do you remember anything from a few minutes ago?" Joey blinked in confusion.

"'Bout what? I remember Kaiba nearly had a shit-fit over me trying to drink a regular Coke, and tried to beat me to death with his can. I think my head's dented from that still," he winced. Yugi smiled, tipping his head back to drink the carbonated water. _Good, they don't remember. I'm so glad._ "But right before that, I was so kicking that Jounouchi's ass." Joey didn't notice Yugi start choking as he went on. "Man, if I'd had just one more minute I would have totally owned him. He sucked, compared to the wonder of Joey Wheeler, ahaha!"

"As I recall, Joey, you were having the shit kicked out of you when Yugi saved us," came Tristan's voice from the other side of the plane. "He had you totally beat, dude."

"Hey shut up!" cried Joey, stalking over to Tristan. "You weren't doing so hot yourself! That Honda guy kept beating you up with the portrait of Pegasus."

"You were all terrible fighters," Kaiba snorted from the seats behind Yugi. "Couldn't fight your way out of a paper bag."

"I didn't see _you_ kicking anyone's ass, smart guy," Joey said hotly.

"That's because, unlike you, my counterpart and I are civilized beings." Finally over his coughing fit, Yugi dazedly got up to toss his empty can in the bin. As he went, he spotted Ryou sitting next to Bakura.

"You certainly were good at that shadow magic," Ryou said softly, pushing back Bakura's hair to wrap a bandage around his head.

"Of course I was," Bakura growled. "I was superior to that fraud in every way."

"D'you want antiseptic for that?" Bakura looked at where Ryou was pointing, and grimaced at the very deep teeth marks embedded in his arm.

"No."

"ATTENTION," screamed Yami over the loudspeakers. Everyone clapped their hands over their ears. "DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES, WE WILL NOT BE RETRIEVING THE WEAPONS FROM DUELLIST KINGDOM. I HAVE CHOSEN A NEW DESTINATION."

"Where now?" asked Yugi despondently, resigned to his fate . . . again.

"THAT INFORMATION IS ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS, AND YOU DO _NOT_ NEED TO KNOW." There was a loud click and the speakers fell silent.

"He doesn't even know what that means, you know," Yugi said to Kaiba as he sat down. "He just saw it on TV and decided to use the term."

"I'm not surprised."

------------------------------------

Haha! One hour and 47 minutes later, and I'm done! That's a record. BADOR, you're a kickass muse :D. *Hugs BADOR* Ow, hell, pointy wings.

Thankies to everyone who keeps reviewing! You make me smile ^__^. Next up, I might do a Christmas chapter. That might be cool, yeah? I'll do it anyway, even if you all say no. Because I'm just an arrogant bitch like that XD.

Till next time!

- Vappa 


	7. Chapter After The Freak Chapter Without ...

You know, I think I may be favouring Kaiba a little bit. Or . . . a lot. I can't help it. He is one cool guy. And writing dialogue between him and Joey just never gets boring. But, seeing as nobody has complained, I just keep doing it.

Anyway, this is the first half of a Christmas story _within_ 'For I Am Pharaoh'. It's not particularly good, but I needed to set it up for the next chapter, which WILL be good. Pinky swear.

I don't own YuGiOh. Or Santa Claus. Or anything else for that matter. 

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

Chapter After The Freak Chapter Without The Word 'Chapter' In The Title

------------------------------------

So there they were. Nine individuals. A 'fellowship', if you will. Flying towards countries unknown, dangers unforetold, and explosions unexploded. It would prove to be a legend most epic, and worthy of remembrance. One of those stories that stayed with you, which really mattered.

Well, that's what I'd _like_ you to think. However, this is _not_ 'Lord of the Rings' and there will be no such honorable clap-trap in _my_ fiction. Let's try this again.

~*~

"This plane is sooooo boring!" 

"Actually, Joey, the plane is fine," sneered Kaiba. "It's the people inside it that are boring."

"You included, smart-ass," retorted Joey, flipping through Tristan's sewing magazine for the hundredth time. 

"Joey, no matter how many times you search the knitting section, I can assure you that there won't be a bikini centerfold that you somehow missed the first hundred times."

"Yeah, well, we'll see about that. You'll be jealous when I find it."

It was nighttime, wherever they were. Or, wherever they were over. They had been flying smoothly for the past nine hours; quite a feat in itself really. Much as Kaiba hated to admit it, Yami had apparently mastered control of the plane. All that really meant was that he now needed a different excuse to hate the spirit. Seeing as he had a list five feet long of things he hated about Yami, that wasn't really a problem. He thought of another reason suddenly, and pulled out his huge list, writing it down.

"Yeah, his tango dancing annoys me too," Yugi quipped, hanging over the back of his seat to read the list. Kaiba was tempted to smack the little duelist around the head with it for interfering, but decided not to. He had, somehow, become far more tolerant of Yugi and his friends. Possibly in the face of being united under Yami's reign of pseudo-terror, or having to rely on them from time to time when he was blown through walls. In any case, he didn't beat Yugi up. How nice of Kaiba-boy. 

"Don't call me Kaiba-boy."

Sorry.

"But you know what _really_ bugs me about him?" asked Joey, reading the list from behind Kaiba. Suddenly, it seemed he had an audience. "It's his stupid stupidness."

Silence.

"That was very intelligent, Wheeler."

"You shut up."

"I get what you mean though," said Mokuba. "He really is kinda . . . stupid."

"In an evil, taking-over-the-world, ancient spirit kind of way," mused Tea.

"That doesn't excuse him," Joey snorted. "I mean, look at Bakura. _He's _an evil, taking-over-the-world, ancient spirit guy, and he's at least sort of smart."

"You flatter me," grumbled Bakura.

"Except when you're drunk. Then you're just plain nuts." There was a yelp and a thud as Joey mysteriously fell over unconscious to the ground. Mysterious, sure. 

"In any case, what are we going to do?" asked Yugi. "We can't just follow Yami around to the ends of the earth like this. I don't think he has a damn clue what he's doing."

"Oh, that's a bit unfair. He's gotten much better at flying the plane at least." Everyone stared at the intolerably cheery Ryou. There was another yelp and thud as Ryou mysteriously fell down unconscious. Tristan gave Bakura a wary look.

"I don't want to know how you keep doing that . . . but thanks."

"My pleasure, mortal."

"Um, yes. But back to Yugi's question. What do you reckon we should do?"

"Gain control of the plane perhaps?"

"Tie up Yami!"

"Send out an S.O.S. on the radio system."

"Disobey him at every turn, even when it's bad for us!"

"Ancient Chinese water torture!"

"Newage Avril Lavigne music torture!"

"Futuristic Laserbeam burn torture!"

"Just plain _torture_!"

"Burn him alive!"

"Tear off his skin!"

"Disembowel his innards!"

"Shave off his hair!"

"Stab him with pens!"

"Ink poisoning!"

"Death by ferrets!"

"Let him rule the world!"

Everyone stopped as they realized who had just said the last thing. For there was Yami, standing nearby, near burning with anger. Or pissed-off-ness. Whichever. He looked at each one of them in turn with his vicious purple eyes. They were long past the point of flinching when El Mighty Pharaoh looked in their direction though so they just stared back at him. 

"What exactly are you doing?" he asked slowly, sinisterly, savagely, sensuously . . . my, there are a lot of words starting with 'S' in the english language. Yugi averted his gaze, whistling an innocent tune, which somehow came out as the song 'I Shot The Sheriff' and so didn't work in his favour. 

"We're reading Kaiba's list of personality traits he looks for in a girl!" Tea blurted out suddenly. Blinking, Yami peered over Kaiba's shoulder and started reading. Thankfully the top of the list was currently on the floor, buried under the main length of the list so the bluff was at least believable. 

"I did not know you fancied girls who wore leather pants, Kaiba," said Yami in surprise. Kaiba just sort of squirmed in the seat, wishing like hell that the freak would go away before he managed to figure out what the list was _really_ talking about. That, and he needed to go to the bathroom. "Anyway. I have come to inform you that we will be landing shortly."

"Really?" Mokuba asked happily, trying to ignore his brother's fidgeting. "Where're we landing?"

"I will tell you once we get there."

"Why can't ya tell us _now_?" griped Joey, who had just picked himself up off the floor. He gave Kaiba a weird look as the CEO jigged his foot up and down. Yami sighed, and everyone groaned. He was going into 'Lecture the idiot' mode.

"Now Joey," he started, taking the blonde aside but still speaking loud enough for half the planet to hear. "I have explained before about the confidentiality of this mission. It is holy, and of great importance to everyone. And me. Very important to me. Thus, we cannot allow any outsiders to gain this information. I have already gone farther than I should have by letting Bakura join our mission." Bakura snorted, paying little attention and cleaning his nails with a gigantic knife emblazoned with 'YAMI MUST DIE' on the side. "So you see, Joey, I cannot tell you, nor any of the others where we are heading. That information could lead to our downfall! And it must not! For I am Pharaoh, and this mission _will_ succeed!"

"Say, Yami," Tristan drawled. "Who's flying the plane right now?" Yami blinked. Yugi blinked. Bakura blinked. Tea blinked. Kaiba fidgeted. Mokuba blinked. Ryou stayed unconscious. Joey blinked. Tristan smirked. Yami blinked. Twice.

"RA ABOVE!" he shouted in panic, tearing back into the cockpit to control the plane again. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief. Except Kaiba.

"GOD FREAKING DAMN!" he screamed before exploding out of his seat and running to the back of the plane, locking himself into the toilet. 

"I guess those five years he spent since his last trip to the bathroom finally got to him," Mokuba said breezily. 

~*~

_Three hours later . . ._

"I thought he said we'd be 'landing shortly'," moaned Tea. She had gotten quite considerably bored waiting for the plane to descend, and had mistaken a few wild loop-the-loops for landing procedures. By the fifth spin, it had become irritating.

"Yami's definition of 'shortly' got warped in those 5,000 years he spent locked in the puzzle," Yugi said, happily making paper airplanes out of Tristan's magazine. He tossed one at Joey, who caught it smoothly and began drawing on it with red texta.

"D'you ever think that he got stuck in the puzzle for a reason?" he wondered. Finished with his work of art, he hurled the plane back across the room to Yugi again.

"Sometimes I do . . . Oh Joey, ergh!" Yugi cried, getting a proper look at the paper plane. "What the hell is _that_ supposed to be?"

"It's a naked woman!"

"I think your definition of 'naked woman' got warped by hentai manga," he said queasily, throwing the offending object to Joey again. 

"You wonder why the Pharaoh was sealed in the Puzzle?" came Bakura's voice. Yugi glanced over to him, sitting atop of the (still) unconscious Ryou and fiddling with a Swiss Army knife.

"Do you know why he was?" Bakura brandished the nail clippers part of the knife.

"Indeed I do. And as you'd expect, it was because he was one annoying f**k."

"I hear that," said Tristan, snatching his precious sewing magazine out of Yugi's hands.

"Even his High Priest couldn't stand him. 'Seto, fetch me a drink. No, that is not cold enough. Put ice in it. More. More. No, that is _too_ much. Take it away. Make me a Bloody Mary.' Psh," he snorted. "Fool didn't even realise those hadn't been invented in Ancient Egypt." 

"Wait, you mean _Kaiba_ was Yami's High Priest?" Joey exclaimed. He dropped his porn-plane and payed full attention to the Tomb Robber.

"Indeed. I'd wager that's why he constantly fights with our dear Pharaoh so viciously. Old habits die hard; or in his case, not at all." 

"I feel sorry for the bastard, having to spend _two_ lifetimes with that jerk. Say," he said in a different tone, looking around. "Where is Kaiba? I haven't seen him in a while."

"He's still in the toilet," answered Mokuba, indicating the back of the plane with his thumb. "He'll be a while. Trust me." 

"Maybe he's just hiding from Yami. Hey Kaiba!" Joey shouted. "Room in there for two?" There was a muffled shout of '_No, piss off_!' from the back of the plane, to which Joey just shrugged. "Oh well. I wouldn'ta joined him anyway. Just because he's slightly less annoying than Yami doesn't make him any less of an annoying asshole." '_I heard that_," came Kaiba's voice again. 

"Wait a second," Yugi said, peering out of the window. "I think we really _are_ going down this time." Indeed, there was a definite list to the plane's angle. 

"We aren't going down like last time, are we?" asked Tea apprehensively. 

"Don't think so. We aren't on a 90 degree angle at least." Suddenly, the seatbelt lights snapped on overhead.

"You're kidding," Joey said, staring at the lights. "He kept the friggin' _warning lights_ on his battle-equipped fighter jet?" Yugi just shrugged and put on his seatbelt obediently. Everyone else returned to their seats (which they'd begun to regard as home, pretty much, seeing as they'd been in them for at least a week now. Tea had hung up some pretty flowers in her chair, Joey had decorated his with . . .  um . . . stuff similar to his porn plane, and Bakura's seat had been swallowed by darkness some time ago and just looked like a black hole on the left side of the plane.) 

There was a bang as the toilet door opened and Kaiba staggered out after his _seriously_ long absence. He managed to make it back to his seat before collapsing into it, shaking. "Are you okay, big brother?" Mokuba asked, tugging at his sleeve. Face covered by his hand, Kaiba just panted for a bit.

"Yes . . . just . . . give me a minute . . . god . . . that was . . . feh . . ." Mokuba gave him a self-righteous look.

"Well maybe next time you shouldn't hold it for so long."

"Shut . . . up . . ." Crackling ominously, the speaker system came to life. There was merely static for a second, but everyone tensed in preparation for what would surely come next. Sure enough . . .

"WE HAVE ARRIVED!" shouted Yami into the speakers. "YOU WILL PROCEED IN AN ORDERLY FASHION OUT OF THE PLANE AND AWAIT FURTHER ORDERS. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. _THAT MEANS YOU RYOU!_" Ryou squeaked and put down his hand. "I HOPE YOU HAVE ENJOYED YOUR FLIGHT."

"That last bit was uncalled for," Bakura muttered, emerging from his Black Seat Hole and making his way to the door. The others got out of their seats and joined him (Kaiba somewhat shakily). They paused for a minute. Did they really want to know where they were now? The door looked dangerous to them. Eventually Bakura scowled and went forward. "Cowards." He pushed out of the door and down the steps. 

Well, seeing as gunshots or wild jungle natives didn't assault them, they could safely assume they weren't in any immediate danger. However something else became apparent the instant Bakura opened the door. 

"It's damn cold!" Tristan cried, trying to step back into the plane but running into Tea along the way. 

"Get out there Tristan," she snapped, kicking the taller boy right out of the door. Tristan landed with a soft _whump_ outside . . . in a mound of snow. Tea stared. "Snow? But it was nowhere near cold enough for snow back at Duellist Kingdom."

"This ain't Duellist Kingdom then," Joey said, staring around. He didn't get to see much as the blinding snowstorm raging around them got right into his eyes after one second. "I'm blind!" he screeched, failing his arms around. "I'm blind, blind! Serenity, I feel your pain!"

"Fool," said Bakura before booting Joey from behind. Joey toppled through the air and landed right on top of Tristan. 

"Now now, Bakura, there's no need to kick people ou-" Before Tea could finish her sentence, she found herself ass-up in the snow next to Joey. She was closely followed by Ryou, Yugi, Mokuba and Kaiba. Bakura watched in amusement as they all struggled to stand up, only sinking right down in the snow or whacking each other in the head. He smirked. "Now, only the incompetent Pharaoh remains. I will dispose of him, then fly this vessel back to Japan. Bakura one, losers zero."

Turning, he went back into the plane to look for Yami. Barging into the cockpit like it was his God-given right, he found Yami still in the pilot's chair reading something that was shielded from view. 

"Pharaoh, I-"

"Silence!" Yami snapped, cutting Bakura off in mid-sentence. Fuming (how dare he do that to him? He hadn't participated in those motivational speaking classes for nothing!) Bakura stalked up to Yami and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"You will not order me around you arrogant-"

"Do you see this?" Yami asked, waving a piece of paper in the Tomb Robber's face without any regard for what he had been saying. Seeing as he was waving it around at hyper speed, Bakura could safely say "No," because it was just a white blur. "_This,_" huffed Yami, "is the reason I have landed here. Read it!"

Yami shoved the paper in Bakura's face. Despite himself, he started to read it anyway. He would smite the fool after he'd read it. On the paper were two emails, the second apparently a response to the first one. They read like so:

To: santaclaus@northpole.org.np

From: bestpharaoh1@worldrulers.co.jp

Subj: Demands.

To Mr. Claus,

My partner has told me a great many things about you. About how you are able to gift people with anything they wish, if they should ask for it. Your powers are obviously great and many. He also said that I needed to ask you nicely, in a form of correspondence such as this, for the items I desire. You will deliver the following to me, not on Christmas Day, but as soon as possible:

-6 Millenium Items (1 Ring, 1 Tauk, 1 Rod, 1 Scales, 1 Ankh and 1 Eye)

-4,000 able-bodied servants (3:1 ratio of men to women)

-10 nuclear missiles

-1 copy of 'Dr. Evil's Guide to Thwarting Your Nemesis'

-17 deeds of ownership to the world's most powerful nations

-300+ deeds of ownership to the other countries in the world

-Bakura's head on a silver platter

-Marik's head on a silver platter

-Kaiba's head on a silver platter

-Phenomenal cosmic powers

-Command over the universe

-1 bag of choc-chip cookies

I expect your compliance within the hour. Regards,

Yami, Pharaoh

And the second email:

To: bestpharaoh1@worldrulers.co.jp

From: santaclaus@northpole.org.np

Subj: Re: Demands

To Mr. Yami,

No.

Santa Claus.

Bakura blinked and read over the list again. Clearly this Santa Claus was a smart man. Jumping to his feet, Yami swept out of the cockpit without a word. Startled, Bakura ran after him. "Hey, I'm not done with you yet, Pharaoh!"

"We shall," Yami said loudly, once again ignoring Bakura, "go meet with this _Santa Claus_ and extract the reason for his refusal. He will regret the day he crossed the Pharaoh! _Nobody _says no to me!" He slammed open the door again and stepped outside.

And fell smack down into the snow.

Bakura peered out after him, noting that the stairs had somehow disappeared. Coughing and spluttering, Yami managed to drag himself out of the 5-foot deep hole he'd made and shook the snow off himself. 

"Accursed stuff," he grumbled, kicking at the innocent snow. "It is impossible to walk on, or indeed do anything with." He heard a slight sound behind him and was turning to see what it was when a heap of snow whammed into his face. Yami shrieked and fell backwards into the hole again, drilling down another 5-feet. Bakura chuckled, bouncing his remaining snowball in his hand and throwing it straight at Yami's pants. You know what I mean. 

Skirting around the ridiculous Pharaoh, Bakura casually walked up to where the others were. Or had been last time he saw them. They were buried under a fair bit of snow by now. He began the annoying process of digging them out. Finding Yugi first, he grasped the boy by the ankle and yanked him out roughly. Yugi landed with a "Oof!" and blinked up at Bakura. "Um, thanks," he gasped, getting back to his feet. "Where's Yami?"

"Getting personal with the snow," answered Bakura over the noise of Yami's screaming and cursing. "I suggest you help me retrieve the others before he finishes having his hissy fit."

"Why?" Yugi asked, starting to scrabble at the snow anyway.

"So that we can have at least 5 seconds to plan before he comes back and takes over again."

"Oh, fair enough." Yugi came up with what looked like Tristan's arm, and tugged hard until he'd gotten him halfway out. "Come on Tristan, you do the rest, you weigh a bloody tonne."

"I do not," he said in an offended tone, struggling his way out to stand next to Yugi. "You're just really really small. Uh, what is Bakura doing?" Yugi turned to where Tristan was looking. Bakura stared at the snow for a few seconds, then plunged his arm in swiftly. A screaming Ryou came flying out and crashed a few feet behind him. 

"He's uh . . . getting the others out. In a less pleasant way than I'm doing." They stared again as Joey whipped past overhead and banged into the side of the plane, falling down. "Let's try and save one of them from him at least."

Sadly, Tristan and Yugi only managed to retrieve Kaiba between them, with Bakura 'rescuing' the rest. It took them ten whole minutes to pull Kaiba, shaking harder than ever and faintly blue, out of the snowdrift. In that time Bakura had flung Mokuba and Tea out as well and proceeded to slap them awake. 

The troops of Yami stood in a circle, freezing their collective asses off as Bakura told them what Yami had shown him. 

"That idiot," Joey groaned. "As if Santa would give him all that crap. He's out of his mind."

"Gee, what was your first clue?" retorted Tea, hugging herself tightly in an attempt to ward off the blizzard. Joey got a strange look on his face and moved around, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. He received a swift punch to the face for his efforts. "Not on your life, bud."

"But you're suffering!" he whined.

"I'll suffer on my own, thanks."

"Y-you all act as th-though Santa is r-real," Kaiba said jerkily, teeth chattering. He'd accidentally left his white duster back on the plane, and seeing as he's such a tall skinny bugger he was worse off than the others. 

"Well he _is_ real," said Yugi, squirming up close to Joey for warmth. "I mean magic is real, why not Santa?"

"Yeah, he's just as real as the Loch Ness monster, mermaids and Godzilla," Joey said, nodding resolutely. Kaiba just shook his head at the idiocy of it all and held Mokuba closer. 

"So what'll we do?" sniffed Ryou, clinging to his yami. Bakura growled but didn't slap him away. He'd make an exception just this once. But _only_ because he was bloody freezing and Ryou was warm. That was the only reason. Yes.

He isn't fooling us though, is he kids?

"We should warn him," said Tristan.

"Who, Godzilla?"

"Don't be a dumbass, Joey. We should warn Santa about Yami before he comes."

"That sounds good to me," agreed Tea, stomping on Tristan's foot as he tried to snuggle up. Mokuba looked up at Kaiba expectantly.

"Can we Seto? Can we warn Santa?"

"F-fine. But I r-refuse to let you ask f-for that Nelly Furtado CD from him." 

"Aw _Seto_ . . ."

"Don't you 'Aw Seto' me."

"But how will be find him in all this?" Yugi asked, waving his hand at the blizzard and snow. They stood in thought for a moment, but were interrupted by a shout of '_Aha, I have a foothold! Snow, you shall be defeated!_" Bakura looked over to where Yami was anxiously.

"There's no time for this. We shall have to split up and find Santa's workshop. Hopefully one group will make it before Yami does." At that, they split up into groups of two: Yugi and Tea, Joey and Tristan, Ryou and Bakura, Kaiba and Mokuba. They each picked a vague direction and plowed off through the snow, almost instantly losing sight of the others as they moved apart.

Ryou started to leave as well, but noticed Bakura wasn't moving. "Bakura?" he called out. Twitching, Bakura looked up at him.

"One moment." He then turned and marched up to the plane. Passing right by Yami's hole ('_I can see the top! I will make it out of here!_'), he stepped under the plane wing. Checking to make sure it was in the right place, he came back out from underneath. Pulling a BB gun from his pants, he took careful aim and shot at the wheels of the plane. After one hit, the plane groaned something terrible and toppled over. The wing Bakura had studied fell right across Yami's hole with a crash ('_Oh Ra damn it!'_).

Nodding in satisfaction, he returned the BB gun to his pants (magically, there isn't really much room in his pants after all) and walked back over to Ryou. 

"Let's go find this Santa Claus."

------------------------------------

Yay XD. It's off to Santa's workshop we go. Will they make it there before Yami does? Will they all die of frostbite in the snow like they would in real life? Why does Bakura keep a BB gun in his pants? All these questions will be answered next time!

. . . Except for the one about Bakura's BB gun. I'm not telling. Haha.

- Vappa


	8. We Wish You A Merry Chapter

Wow, over 50 reviews! YOU ARE ALL MY BITCHES, HAHA! No, seriously, much love for you. Here, I'll give you presents! *Hands every reviewer a live firework* Careful, the fuse burns out rather quickly.

Part 2 of the 'For I Am Pharaoh' Christmas Spectacular (Failure) is below! Doesn't that just make you wanna _party_?! No? Fine. Be that way. 

Oh, by the by. I will not, under any circumstances, refer to Isis as Ishizu. That is one fother-mucking stupid name, and I don't care if I've been using dub names thus far. Ishizu is ISIS, thank you very much.

TO SOME SELECT REVIEWERS:

Beckeh: If you're a Yami fangirl . . . what in the heck appeals to you in _this_ story? Yami's the uber-villain that everyone loves to see getting hurt here XD.

Shishu: Yes, Duke is an ass. But, you have to admit, he also has a nice one. Ass, that is. 

Queen of Hearts: I think he already was insane. Maybe there's a second level of insane though, and he'll cross into it soon. Let's find out.

Sailorsun8: That's because it's a MAGIC plane. It can't die! It just keeps reappearing in perfect working order.

Zello: You're a dork XD.

Melainy: Why thank you! Genius is as genius does, I guess. No, I'm not arrogant, what makes you say that?

And now, on with the show!

I = 16 year old white female. Owner of YuGiOh = middle aged Japanese male. Thus I do not = owner of YuGiOh.

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

We Wish You A Merry Chapter

------------------------------------

So let's recap. Yami wishes to take over the world. To do this, he has hijacked a plane and everyone he's ever met (which is only about 7 people). He went to Jamaica and picked up a rather drunk Bakura, then carried on his merry way to Duellist Kingdom. Intending to find some weapons, he instead got caught up in a massive battle with his Japanese self, Mou Hitori no Yuugi. The Japanese guys were really kicking our heroes' asses when Yugi saved the day by magically ending the scenario. Now, they have landed at the North Pole, where Yami is in pursuit of Santa for not agreeing to his Christmas list. The others have split up to try and reach Santa in time before Yami does. Oh, and Yami is buried under 10 feet of snow and a plane wing.

Three guesses who's getting coal in their stocking?

~*~

"Bakuraaaa!" hollered Ryou, peering through the snowstorm. "Bakuraaaa! Where are yoooou?!" Feeling worried and upset, he shivered and kept looking around. Bakura had vanished a while ago, and try as he might he hadn't been able to find him again. Of course, he'd only been spinning in a circle trying to find him, so for all he knew Bakura was a mere five steps away. But remember, this is Ryou we're talking about. And so . . .

"Bakura, come back, _please!_" Ryou sobbed. He sat down in the snow and started bawling his head off, paying no attention to the fact that his tears were freezing on his face. "It's cold I'm lonely you're so mean come back you took my mittens with you it's cold cold cold!" he babbled in a rather insane way. We'll cut him some slack because he's had a rough time. And because he's a sook.

Something caught his eye all of a sudden. He squinted through the swirling white, not quite sure if he'd imagined it or not. A dark shape became visible. It grew larger and taller, and started to advance on him. Staring in abject terror at the snow-fiend, Ryou opened his mouth a couple of times but couldn't force himself to speak. The shadow came closer, closer, closer . . .

Snap.

"AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!!" Ryou shrieked, jumping to his feet and running like thunder in the opposite direction. He didn't get very far though. Only three steps as a matter of fact, before he tripped, sending him face-first into a snowdrift. Panicking and positively certain that the Abominable Snowman was right behind him and preparing to torture him in some way, possibly with Mars Bars, Ryou did the only thing he could think of. He shut his eyes. _If I can't see him he can't see me, if I can't see him he can't see me, if I can't see him he can't see me, if I can't see him –_

His futile attempt to hide (I laugh at the idea) was cut short abruptly when something grabbed his ankle and hurled him out of the snow. "NOOOOO, SAVE ME, SUPERMAN!" he cried out, prepared to die. The sound of howling laughter met his ears, and he opened one eye warily. He caught sight of the snow-demon. Take a wild guess who it was.

Bakura beat the snow with a fist as he laughed uncontrollably. Embarrassed beyond reason, Ryou got to his feet and pouted. His yami just continued to laugh non-stop, apparently finding this very funny. "You should have seen your face!" Bakura gasped, managing to roll into a sitting position, still heaving with silent giggles. He was silenced when Ryou suddenly kicked him in the side. "Aaagack!" he yelped, falling over. 

"Stop laughing at me! You're always making fun of me, it's not fair, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!" Bakura stared at Ryou in surprise.

[ _I'm so tired of being here / suppressed by all my childish fears _]

"If you hate me so much, why don't you just pack up and leave? Go live in Jamaica and get drunk off your ass every night, it's what you want obviously!"

[ _and if you have to leave / I wish that you would just leave _]

"But, Ryou-" Bakura started, but was cut off as Ryou carried on like a runaway train. Or kitten.

"No, no buts! I can _feel _you at all times, you know, even when you're on the other side of the world. It _hurts_ Bakura." He turned his back on Bakura, not wanting him to see how upset he was.

[ _cause your presence still lingers here / and it won't leave me alone _]

Getting to his feet, Bakura went over to Ryou. "Ryou, I . . ." he trailed off, unsure of what to say. He's a freaking evil dead tomb robber, what chance in hell do you think he has of saying the right thing in this situation? "I didn't know that what I did hurt you like that."

[ _These wounds won't seem to heal _]

"It never occurred to me that you might care."

[ _This pain is just too real _]

"And I . . . um . . . oh shit, no wonder they sell cards for this sort of thing."

[ _There's just too much that time cannot erase _]

Ryou turned a bit to look at Bakura, face pale and tear-streaked. "What are you trying to say, Bakura?"

[ _When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_ ]

Rubbing the back of his head, Bakura tried desperately to remember a movie he'd seen once with this exact situation in it. Once he did though, he wished he hadn't. The person trying to apologise had been killed suddenly by a raging wild tiger before he'd gotten to say anything. Somehow, he didn't think there would be any tigers coming along at the North Pole to put him out of his misery. 

[ _When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_ ]

"Well, I guess I'm saying . . . uh . . . I'm sorry?" Bakura hoped like hell he'd gotten that right. It had been a choice between 'I'm sorry' and 'Burn in hell, spawn of Satan' and he still wasn't quite sure he'd chosen the right one. Luckily for him, he'd guessed right. Ryou's face broke out in a smile and he tackle-hugged Bakura to the ground. "Ack, Ryou, you're choking me!" he gasped. "I'll snap in half at this rate!"

"Oh, sorry," Ryou giggled, letting up a bit and grinning at his yami. Bakura just rolled his eyes and patted Ryou on the head.

"You sure do keep that strength hidden well."

[ _and I held your hand through all of these years / but you still have . . . all of me _]

"Now do tell me, where in the f**k is that music coming from?" Bakura asked, peering into the snow. It was really getting on his nerves. Ryou shrugged, nonplussed, and starting looking around as well.

"I dunno. It started up a few lines ago." Because he is an uber-cool spirit with far better powers than the Pharaoh, Bakura was able to figure out what direction it was coming from. Dragging Ryou with him, he followed the mournful tunes for a few metres through the snow. "Oh look!" Ryou exclaimed, pointing at a dark shape in the white. Digging it out, Bakura held it up and stared at it.

"What in the hell is it?"

"It's a CD player," answered Ryou, taking it off Bakura and examining it. "Sony brand. Let's see what's in it." He popped open the lid and took out the CD inside. He squinted through the snow to look at the label. "Ah, just as I thought. 'My Immortal' by Evanescence." Bakura took the CD and scratched at the label. "It's quite popular these days. It makes it into many an angst songfic, and quite a few other stories as well. I'm not sure why."

"Hmpf," snorted Bakura, and then snapped the CD clean in two. "Annoying emo trash." Taking the CD player off Ryou, he tossed it back into the snow and retrieved the BB gun from his pants again. After shooting the offending stereo equipment at least fifty times, he was satisfied that it was dead. And for good measure, he sent the remains to the Shadow Realm. "Now that that's done with, let's continue. We must find this Santa before Mr. Fancy-Pants does."

"Mr. Fancy-Pants?" asked Ryou, scurrying to catch up with Bakura.

"Yami."

"Why'd you call him Mr. Fancy Pants then?"

"His pants are reversible. I was unfortunate enough to be subjected to the sequins-and-rhinestone side of them once."

"Ohhh."

~*~

Far across the oceans and countries and various CEO-controlled islands, a young woman stirred from her sleep. As the contents of her dreams became known to her, Isis bolted upright in her bed. There was a grumble from the bed next to hers and the rustling of sheets.

"Nrrgh . . . Isis?" moaned Marik sleepily, sitting up and blinking at her. "Whasswrong?"

Isis looked at her younger brother, then up at the ceiling as though trying to divine some message from the . . . um . . . divine. *Cough*. After a few moments, she forced herself to speak.

"I don't know where, I don't know when . . . but something AWFUL'S going to happen."

Marik stared at her. "Oh for God's sake," he grumbled, flopping over and burying his head under the pillow. "Not again with the awful happenings."

"But this time I'm sure of it!" Isis protested, absently fingering the Millenium Tauk around her neck. 

(Before you canon-nazis complain at me, I am fully aware that she gave it to Yugi after her defeat on the Battle Ship. So shut up. Nazis.)

Marik replied, but it was muffled under the pillow and so came out as something along the lines of, "Lufft huhgh ig wrff feh mrrrgh."

"What was that, brother?" Annoyed, the blonde youth sat up again in bed and gave her the narrow-eyed anime look.

"I said, 'Last time it was the milk'. You said the exact same thing when the milk went off."

"No, Marik, I really mean it this time! The world is in great danger!"

"That's what you said when Michael Jackson released his new album, and while I admit that was a terrifying experience for all involved, it does not constitute a threat to the world." He smacked his face into the pillow again and muttered another unintelligible sentence. 

"Marik, don't talk into the pillow. Tell me what you said."

"I said, "GRRARGHFFAGAH!"

"That's what I thought. Goodnight."

"Nfffgh."

~*~

***INSERT SWOOSHY FAST MOVING MOVEMENT TO INDICATE LOCATION/SCENE CHANGE***

~*~

Yugi and Tea forced their way through the unrelenting snowstorm. It had been quite some time since they'd lost sight of the plane and set out to find Santa's workshop. Of course, a mere five minutes after they'd set out they realized they had no idea where the hell they were going. Two minutes after _that_, they realized that they'd left their backpacks on the plane, which had contained all their really cool gadgets that could quite possibly have included a compass, which would have helped to some degree, but seeing as they didn't have their backpacks they couldn't even check, and even if they _had_ checked, they most likely did _not_ have a compass with them, because it's not a common necessity in backpacks, and I'm rambling aren't I?

In any case, they were marching along without a care. No, wait, they were marching along without a _clue_. They had plenty of cares. Like the freezing weather, and the snow in their shoes, and the fact that Yugi was too short to see over the snow sometimes, and on top of all of that a psychotic 3,000 year old Pharaoh could emerge out of the darkness at any moment and scream "BOO!"

Anyway.

"Yugi, I'll never forgive your spirit for this," Tea shouted, squinting through the storm at her friend. All she could make out of him was the outline of his hair. So for all she knew, she was looking at Sonic the Hedgehog.

"Neither will I!" hollered Yugi, scrambling out of a huge snow ditch for the fifth time that day. Yugi, whilst small, was no Elf, and therefore couldn't walk on the snow. He couldn't walk over it, he couldn't walk under it, and he sure as heck was having a hard time walking through it. What's a bondage collar-wearing midget card duellist reincarnated Pharaoh to do? 

Only one thing _to_ do, my dear Watson. "Tea? Can I, um, sit on your shoulders?" Tea gave him a weird look. "Only 'cause of the snowstorm!" he babbled unconvincingly, doing his cute 5-year-old look. "I can't walk through all this snow and you're _much_ taller than me and please can I?"

"Okay Yugi," she smiled. "But only because you're my oldest childhood friend whom I trust above all others, and I know you'd never do anything foolish like Joey and Tristan did earlier, because I trust you and you're my oldest childhood friend."

"Yeah yeah, up up!" Yugi said happily, bouncing on his heels in pervy bliss. His _real_ objective had been to gain a birds' eye view of Tea's chest. He's a dirty little man at heart, we all know that. He grinned in triumph as Tea hoisted him up onto her shoulders. 

Now, if he could only keep his real intentions secret until he had satisfactorily warmed the woman up, he'd be in 'the zone'. What this 'zone' was, he didn't know, but Joey had told him a lot about it. When he filtered out the obscene amount of references to porn, hentai and Duellist Kingdom, he'd gathered that 'the zone' was a certain place you reached with a girl when you wanted to kiss her. Or do various perverted acts with her. Whichever.

"Zone, here I come," he giggled, thankful for the snowstorm that drowned out his voice. Tea marched on, with Perv-I-Oh on her shoulders.

~*~

_The world was his._

_He stood atop of Kaiba Corporation, the building gleaming like a pillar of gold in the setting sun. Snapping and flaring, his trench coat swirled around his ankles in the breeze, magnified by his altitude. Far below, the people of Domino carried on with their business, unaware of their master's gaze._

_Kaiba smirked. Finally things were as they should be. Yugi had fallen spectacularly to him a duel earlier that week. Joey had left the city to go live as a hermit in the woods. Yami had been imprisoned in an Australian jail for shoplifting. And the other morons he knew of had vanished entirely. Yes, everything was positively fabulous._

_He lifted his hand, looking at the remote in his palm. Everything was his. Pressing a button, he watched as the sun suddenly halted in its path and shot back up into the sky. He pressed another button, and the sun sank again. Up, down, up, down, up, down. He twirled a knob on the remote, and it began to rain, hard._

_As lightning began to strike the earth below him and all around him, he started to laugh. The lightning metamorphed into the blue-white fire of the Blue-Eyes White Dragon as he laughed. _

_"It's all mine! Mine!" he cried, wielding the remote control like a sword, causing typhoons to spring up across its path. "Nobody can take it from me!"_

_"Seto?" Kaiba turned briefly to see Mokuba standing behind him._

_"Not now Mokuba, I'm busy," he said lightly, punching a button and shooting lightning down at Rex Raptor. _

_"Big brother?"_

_"I said not now." Crash, boom, thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening, hey! Galileo, Galileo, Galileo._

_"Seto!" Whipping around, Kaiba glared at Mokuba angrily._

_"Can't you see I'm very busy?" Without turning to look he pressed another button and smote Industrial Illusions headquarters with a large boulder._

_"Come on, Seto!" Sighing, Kaiba turned from the amusing act of burning the clothes off his corporate employees and came over to Mokuba._

_"What? What is it?" he asked, fairly exasperated. Mokuba, however, just continued to call his name as though he couldn't see him. "WHAT?!" Kaiba shouted, shaking his brother. "I'm right here, what do you want?"_

_Suddenly Mokuba's eyes snapped to his. "You're being a complete ass, big brother. This is for your own good." He then raised his arm and punched Kaiba across the head._

~*~

"AAAAAARGH!" Kaiba screamed, waking up completely once his brother had belted him. Very quickly, the real world came back to him. Snow, North Pole, bastard Pharaoh, heading to Santa's workshop . . . and then what?

"Thanks for joining us," Mokuba said haughtily, kneeling in the snow next to his brother with his arms crossed. Not coming up with any reason for his brother to be so pissed off with him, Kaiba crossed his own arms and glared back. The effect was somewhat lessened because of the small fact that he was still lying flat on his back, half buried in snow. So, throwing pride to the winds, he decided to ask.

"May I ask why you're looking at me like I just banned you from the Internet?" 

"You've been unconscious for nearly an hour," growled Mokuba. "You _know_ I hate waking you up, you sleep like a rock."

"Eh . . . unconscious?" Kaiba said cleverly, trying to remember what he'd been doing before his pleasant dream. Mokuba sighed and raked his fingers through his hair. 

"Yeah, unconscious. You were going on about 'Bastard Pharaohs' and the like, and then you kinda . . . tripped." Kaiba blinked at his brother.

"I what?"

"You tripped."

"On WHAT?! There's nothing around for freaking miles!" Wordlessly, Mokuba pointed at something in the snow. It was a banana peel. "You have got to be shitting me," grumbled Kaiba. "At least no one was around to see it but you." 

There was a sudden flash of light. Startled, the two Kaiba brothers turned to see a reporter hiding behind a snowdrift, camera held aloft triumphantly. "This'll get front page for sure!" he laughed, before running off swiftly into the night. Kaiba leapt to his feet and started to give chase.

"Damn you, Paparazzi! Damn you all to hell!" he shouted, shaking his fist. Luckily for the reporter, the blizzard (which is just not going to die out any time soon, obviously) covered his tracks, and there was really no way of following him. Sighing, Kaiba turned and went back to Mokuba. 

"Was it David again?" asked Mokuba as he got to his feet.

"No, it was Frank this time," replied Kaiba, starting off in a direction he hoped was north. "He's been getting better. Usually David or Leanne get all the shots. Good for him."

~*~

Joey and Tristan stood in front of the large wall of ice. It was big, it was tall, and it was in their way. Or, so they assumed. They stared at it for a long while. Finally, Tristan stirred.

"We are so lost," he said.

"Well it was your idea to go left back at that polar bear," snapped Joey. Tristan rounded on the blonde angrily.

"Oh yeah? Well I didn't see _you_ making any decisions. You were too busy screaming like a pansy and hiding behind me!"

"Hey!" Joey shouted, offended. "That bear was going to EAT me, I was on the defence!"

"Defence my ass! You were hiding!"

"I was waiting for you to take the damned initiative! You're always bitching about never being appreciated, and there I was, giving you your moment to shine, and you start insulting me."

"Give me a break! You were pissing yourself in fear, and you know it!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not infinity!"

"Was too infinity plus one!"

"IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!"

"LIKE HELL IT DOESN'T!"

"SHUT UP, TRIANGLE HEAD!"

"YOU SHUT UP, DOG BOY!"

"Oh you SO did not just call me that! Only Kaiba can call me that!"

"Why the hell can't I? What is it, an exclusive Kaiba insult?!"

"YEAH! I have the paperwork to prove it!" Joey flashed the papers in front of Tristan's face. The brunette scowled and snatched them, reading the fine print. He raised an eyebrow.

"Say, you're right. He's got copyright stamped all over it too."

"That man doesn't do anything half-assed. So you'd better not call me that again, or his team of lawyers will be here and start pounding on you." 

"Joey," Tristan said, gesturing around him. "We're at the North Pole. I doubt his lawyers can reach me here."

"You don't know Kaiba's lawyers," Joey pressed. "They have _powers_, man. They ain't natural." There was silence between them as they listened to the wind howling. The night suddenly seemed very dark and ominous.

"You don't think . . . they might be coming now?" asked Tristan nervously. Joey glanced around through the snow, unable to see anything.

"I dunno man. But I'm worried." Silence again. More howling wind, and a loud crack from the ice. Tristan cleared his throat, but his voice still came out shaky.

"Hold me?" Joey blinked at him.

"Only if you hold me."

The pair latched on to each other and stared out at the snowstorm, trying to spot any lawyers that might come flying out of the sky.

------------------------------------

Hm? What's that you say? A whole chapter without Yami? Why yes, I _did_ do that on purpose. Wahahaha. This shall now be a three part segment. Er, considering I can get inspired enough to write it. It could happen, you never know. 

I apologise for the crapness of this chapter, but I wanted to get it out and it just wasn't working with me. I'll be funnier next time, promise. Until then, just kick the chapter and scream "BE MORE FUNNY!". It might work.

- Vappa


	9. And A Happy New Year CHAPTER HA...

My GOD I'm excited about 'Return of the King'! SO – FREAKING –EXCITED! Living in Australia ain't all sunshine and daisies, y'know . . . we get movies late here. So, I have to wait until the 26th of December for all my shibby Aragorn goodness. Why me, lord? What'd I do to deserve this?

*Listens to the wind* Oh yeah . . . the fanfic. I understand. I shall pass the time till his King-ness reaches our shores by writing part 3 of the Christmas phase of 'For I Am Pharaoh'. "No victory without sacrifice" and all that cool stuff. Ahaha.

Verily it is so, that the works of Yu-Gi-Oh, belong to me not.

------------------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh 

------------------------------------

And A Happy New Year . . . . . . . . . CHAPTER HA!

------------------------------------

"I command you to stop blowing into my face!" howled the Pharaoh at the snow. The snow was so completely terrified of him that it continued smacking into his face and collecting in his hair. Enraged, Yami swiped madly at his head. He succeeded in whacking himself in the nose, but not in dislodging the white flakes. 

"Ra curse this miserable pole!" he shouted at no one in particular. Storming off through the wide empty land, Yami was only getting more and more annoyed. I swear, the man has no limit to how pissed off he can get. It had taken him a considerable amount of time and effort to escape from his frozen prison, and he had needed to tunnel at least 500 metres through the snow to finally emerge from underground. He had been walking for hours, and he had not found a single thing, nor a single person. Anyone he saw, however, he was quite prepared to obliterate for invading his personal space . . . which was three miles wide by three miles long, so anyone close enough to be seen was definitely invading his personal space. 

Usually, he'd be annoyed by having someone in his personal space. Today was special though. He was on a world-conquering mission, and _anyone_ who showed up at this point would be most welcome. If it were one of his soldiers, he would rein them in and order them to march. If it were Bakura, he'd scream a war cry and kick him in the face. If it were Santa, then all hell would break loose, and then some. 

Yet, nobody appeared.

"This is intolerable," Yami muttered to no one, still stomping along like a one-man marching band to the beat of his own drum. "I am a great Pharaoh! But what is the point of that rank if nobody is around to look at me? I need people to command! I need things to control! I need . . . I need . . ." He paused, thinking. "I need new pants." 

His mind made up, Yami continued going north (he thought), much happier than before. "Yes, new pants! Pants worthy of a Pharaoh such as myself! Onward!"

~*~

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"YUGI, I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" Yugi shot a look over his shoulder in terror, watching the enraged Tea rapidly gaining on him. He forced himself to run faster, practically flying over the hardened snow. He was beginning to regret his brilliant piggy-back plan.

As he tore across the frozen tundra (I'm _finally_ figuring out some other words for 'snow') he listened to the swiftly approaching footsteps in dismay. His heightened sense of proximity tingled (well, okay, he heard the keyring on Tea's belt jingle) and he knew that she'd be right on top of him within the second. Shrieking again he swerved sideways just as Tea launched herself at him. 

"Can't we just forgive and forget?!" he yelled, pausing for a moment and looking back. Tea, who had slammed face-first into the ground when she tried to tackle Yugi, reemerged from the snow with the glint of Hades in her eyes. "Eep!" squeaked Yugi and he bolted again. 

Yugi was getting just a wee bit tired, having been on the run for the last hour, but he sure as hell wasn't about to stop to catch a breath. Last time he'd tried that, it had taken all his power to throw Tea off when she'd clamped onto him with her teeth. No, he was quite fine running like f**k for the moment. However, he _did_ think that he'd like to find somewhere to stop . . . and possibly slam a door in the psycho woman's face. 

Chancing another look behind him, Yugi saw that Tea wasn't going to give up and go home. Angry, hormonal females who have just been perved on such as herself have terrific stamina. Another thing caught his eye though, to the left of Tea. As he watched, he saw Joey and then Tristan come tearing around a snow dune and continue running like mad in the same direction he was.

"Hey guys!" Yugi shouted over their loud, obnoxious screaming. Joey spotted Yugi and then tugged Tristan's shoulder. They changed course slightly and came running up alongside him. Still going at the breakneck speed of 80 kilometres per hour, they hailed each other. Yes, hailed. You heard me. "So what's up?" Yugi panted. Tristan said nothing, and indeed looked like a frightened deer that'd just wandered into a deer-hunting zone. Joey, however, pointed wildly back in the direction he'd come.

"Lawyers! Lawyers, Yugi, lawyers! Didn't I _warn_ you?!" he yelled at Tristan. "Didn't I _warn_ you about those lawyers?!" Tristan just wailed and tried to keep up. "What about you?" Joey asked Yugi. 

"_Tea_!" he moaned. Joey and Tristan looked horrified, and cast glances behind them.

"Woah dude!" hollered Tristan, snapping out of his lawyer-fear for a second. "Where'd she get that chainsaw?"

"She has a WHAT?!" shrieked Yugi like a girl. There was a burst of angry teenage girl laughter from behind him and the unmistakable roar of a chainsaw. "Oh _shit_!" he cried, and ran faster. 

Suddenly, they heard another cry behind them. "Come back here! You haven't pleaded your case before the tribunal yet!" Tristan paled and started yammering like a scared puppy. Sure enough, a black-suited KaibaCorp. lawyer was gaining on them from behind, along with Tea. 

"I thought we'd lost him in that bottomless pit!" Joey said in disbelief, spurring himself into faster strides. "This is all your fault, Tristan!"

"IknowIknowIknowIknow1know," Tristan sobbed. The trio continued running, apparently not getting anywhere. "Maybe, maybe lawyers are like vampires, and when the sun comes up they'll explode and stuff!" Tristan suggested aloud, having obviously seen too many episodes of Buffy. 

"This is the North Pole. Night lasts for six months around here." Yugi, Joey and Tristan turned in surprise to see Kaiba sprinting alongside them, with Mokuba close behind. 

"What are _you_ doing here?" yelled Joey. Mokuba jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

"Paparazzi. Persistent bastards they are."

"Besides," Kaiba said, "aren't we all going to the same place anyway?" They all remembered the deal with Santa Claus and Yami then.

"Oh yeah," Joey cried, almost tripping on a snow cone in his surprise. "I forgot all about that, what with everything." Kaiba frowned, then looked over his shoulder.

"Who are you running from?"

"Eh, Tristan called me a dog, and then he didn't believe me when I said your lawyers would come, so he did it again, and then one of your lawyers came outta _nowhere_ and we nearly died." Tristan just sobbed a little. Kaiba looked at him in disbelief.

"What are you, insane? Those are lawyers!" His voice dropped to a lower pitch. "They have _powers_." 

"I knooooooow!" Tristan wailed. "Can't you call him off? He's YOUR lawyer."

"Not on your life. Even I'm scared of my lawyers. I tried to fire one of them once, and I swear to God his eyes glowed."

"YUGI!" screamed Tea from behind, causing them all to jump a little and run faster. "You won't get away from me! Out of my way, lawyer-man!" There were a few sounds of pushing and shoving, and a scream of 'PHYSICAL ABUSE!'. A large burst of light exploded from behind them, and Tea screamed in terror. Suddenly, she was running right next to them, sobbing her eyes out. "His eyes glowed! They glowed, it was so scary!"

"Hey, you can't run up here with us, you were chasing me!" cried Yugi, attempting to trip her. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I forgive you Yugi, just let me stay with you guys! I don't want to be alone with that lawyer and his _powers_."

"Okay!" Yugi cheered happily. His chance would come another day. A thunderous boom from behind him brought his mind back to the present. "How the hell are we going to outrun this guy?"

"He ain't natural!" Joey put in helpfully.

"There is only one way to defeat a lawyer," Kaiba said slowly, catching Mokuba by the hand as he tripped and hauling him along for a few yards. They looked expectantly at him. "Sadly, I don't have Elle Woods with me, so we are screwed."

"I don't want to hear that defeatist attitude!" shouted Joey, dodging around Tristan to grab Kaiba by the collar. It was a very awkward position to hold whilst running from a hell-spawned lawyer. "I want you to stay positive, Kaiba, you hear me?" 

"Fine! We are _screwed_!" Kaiba yelled happily, waving his arms around to exaggerate just how blindingly happy he was.

"That's better!"

"Look, up ahead!" Tea cried, pointing. Looking forward, they saw what she was talking about. Rapidly approaching out of the gloom and snowstorm was a house. 

"All together, ram it!" Yugi shouted, as they got closer. They all put on a last burst of speed and crashed into the door as one. There was a loud series of cracks as the door exploded inwards, and they all fell inwards on top of each other. Regaining his senses faster than the others, Yugi struggled to his feet and made to shut the door. He cried out in despair when he turned to face it.

"Yugi, what's wrong?" asked Joey, disentangling himself from Tristan. Yugi pointed shakily at the door . . . or what was left of it. The force of their entry had all but annihilated the wooden doors, leaving them in shards and tatters in the frame. There wasn't anything left _to_ shut.

"Can I stop being positive now?" came Kaiba's voice. Suddenly, there was the sound of running footsteps from beyond the threshold of the entrance. They all shrieked in terror as the lawyer appeared before them. Briefcase in hand, and eyes glowing, he advanced upon the door until he was just outside the frame.

"There will be no settlement on this issue," he hissed evilly. Tristan whimpered but was frozen in place. The lawyer took another step forward and they all braced themselves for his attack.

*BANG!*

"AAAIIIIIGAAAAH, HE GOT ME!" howled Tristan, falling to the ground. 

"Oh God, Tristan, no!" cried Joey. He dropped down next to his friend and quickly checked him all over. "Hey, wait a minute . . . he isn't dead." Indeed, there was nothing wrong with him at all, except he was unconscious. 

"But . . . but then . . ." Yugi stammered. He whirled around to see the lawyer, lying face down on the floor, with a large smoking hole right through his chest. Behind him stood Bakura, BB gun in hand.

"Sissies," Bakura scoffed, shoving the gun back into his pants. Ryou poked his head around the doorframe and looked in at them.

"Wow, you sure shot him good!" he exclaimed, staring at the lawyer in awe. Bakura studied his nails and went 'hmpf' in a manner that clearly said 'I-am-the-greatest-man-alive'. 

"That's impossible," said Kaiba in disbelief, coming over to the lawyer and poking him in the head to make sure he was dead. "Lawyers can't be killed by mortal weapons, let alone a BB gun." 

"Are you insulting my gun?" asked Bakura malevolently. 

"I'm just saying they aren't exactly the most lethal of weapons. Surely a single BB bullet wouldn't kill a lawyer." Wordlessly, Bakura slid the gun out of his pants again and cracked open the barrel. He showed the inside to everyone.

"Is that a mini firework?" Mokuba asked in surprise. 

"Yes," answered Bakura proudly. "Dr. Filibuster's brand. Never fails to blow a hole in everything."

"Well then, what happened to Tristan?"

"Simple. He's a sissy and faints at loud noises."

"Oh."

"Okay then," Joey said, standing up and kicking Tristan, jolting him awake.

"Augh! Hey, is this heaven?" he said, looking all around him.

"Yes Tristan, this is heaven," Tea sniped. "And I'm God." 

***PLEASE IGNORE THE BLASPHEMOUS STATEMENT ABOVE. THE AUTHORESS HAS BEEN EXECUTED FOR HER HERESY AND A NEW, IDENTICAL FEMBOT HAS TAKEN HER PLACE. THE FEMBOT WILL NEVER REFER TO TEA AS THE LORD***

"Uh, guys?" Everyone turned to Yugi as his voice broke in. "Take a look at where we are." As it turned out, they had crashed in upon the very place they had been trying to find: Santa's workshop. All around them was a large wooden barn, decorated with festive greens and reds. Streamers and bells hung from the roof above the numerous tables scattered throughout the wide space. The tables were covered with tools and bits of paper. Right in the centre stood a huge pine tree, adorned with silver and blue ornaments, and crowned with a five-pointed star.

"Oooh, I've been dreaming of this since I was a little girl!" squealed Tea, dancing up to the tree and poking all the pretty shiny bits.

"She's been dreaming of a barn used for slave labour?" wondered Tristan. Yugi glared at him.

"Don't be stupid. The elves work here under their own free will."

"But there _aren't_ any elves," put in Joey. He went over to the staircase on the left side of the room and scaled it to the balcony. "Nobody here at all."

"No one at all?" exclaimed Yugi, bouncing onto one of the tables and looking around. Kaiba strode up to him, and was amused to find that Yugi was now the same height.

"Enjoying the weather up here, Yugi?"

"No. The wind just got a lot more arrogant." 

"So what'll we do then?" Ryou asked mournfully, poking at a power drill and accidentally starting it up. He shrieked as the crazy piece of equipment starting boring a hole through his sweater. 

"Simple," said Bakura as he karate chopped the cord off the power drill, bringing it to a halt. "We wait for the Pharaoh to return. And then . . ." He paused, and glanced at the drill in his hand. "And then I use this contraption on his head," he concluded, holding up the drill. Ryou looked nauseated by the very idea.

"But you'll get blood and Yami-brains all over your clothes." Bakura sighed dramatically.

"I am willing to defile my clothes if I get to drill a hole through his head." 

"Getting back to the fact that no one's here," Yugi said. "Maybe they're just finished making all the presents and stuff. Maybe Santa already left. Yami can't get to him in the air."

"He has a plane, Yugi," muttered Kaiba. "Planes move faster than sleighs, last time I checked."

"Unless it's like that sleigh in 'The Santa Clause'," Mokuba chirped, picking various decorations off the walls and shoving them in his pockets. "That sleigh was rocket powered, and it had a CD player, and a hot chocolate maker, and all sorts of cool technical stuff."

"Mokuba, how many time have I told you, the logistics and restricted amount of space in such a vehicle wouldn't be able to cope with the power and heat of the necessary rocket power needed to keep it in the air, not to mention the problems involved in steering and-"

"You're no fun, big brother."

"Yeah, come on Kaiba," Joey drawled, vaulting over the railing and dropping back down to ground level. "Where's your Christmas spirit." Kaiba narrowed his eyes.

"I don't have any."

"You want some of mine then? I have about half left." Joey pulled a can labelled 'CHRISTMAS SPIRIT' out of his pocket and held it out to the CEO. Kaiba wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"What does it taste like, taffy?" he sneered, eyeing the gaily-coloured can suspiciously.

"Eh, more like sugar and mint."

"Disgusting," muttered Kaiba, gingerly taking the can from Joey and holding it like it might infect him with some horrible disease.

"I found some food!" came Tristan's happy voice from the corner. Going over, they saw that Tristan had found a large refrigerator, stocked with every kind of Christmas food known to man, and even some known only to Jedi Masters and Wookies. 

"Least we won't starve," Yugi said, pointing out the stupidly obvious as he pulled out a plate of shortbread Christmas trees. "I suppose we play the waiting game then."

"Aw man, I hate that game," whined Joey through a mouthful of gingerbread. 

"Would you rather play another game, with me?" Bakura offered, stopping his grab for the mince pies and giving Joey a sinister look.

"Um . . . no. The waiting game is fine."

Kaiba absently drank from his can of 'CHRISTMAS SPIRIT' and then smirked at Joey. "You have the attention span of a flea, the waiting game is not for you. I doubt you'll last five-" He broke off mid-sentence and blanched. "Oh God, I actually _drank_ that crap! Errrgh," he groaned. He stared at the can for a few moments, blinked, and then swiped a candy cane out of the fridge. Joey snickered as the all-powerful CEO stormed over to a far table and tore the plastic off the candy cane. "Shut up, mutt," he snarled before shoving the candy cane into his mouth.

Ryou was innocently munching on a fruit pudding when a loud explosion scared him right off the table. Falling back with a thud, he looked around wildly. "What was that?!" Yugi jumped to his feet, shortbread forgotten. 

"I'll bet it was-" What he thought it was never became apparent as another boom rocked their socks. Pulling themselves off the floor, they looked around apprehensively. Wordlessly, Yugi led the way out the door and they emerged into the snow again. 

What they saw was, of course, our heroic Pharaoh. He laughing like a maniac and hurling fireballs at an overturned sleigh nearby. "That will teach you! That will teach you to deny thy Pharaoh, you ridiculous old man! Ahahahahaaa!" he shrieked, pelting the sleigh with yet more fire. If there are any kiddies in the audience, I think they'd best leave before they figure out that Yami is attacking Santa Claus; I don't want to warp any young minds. OLD minds on the other hand . . .

"Oh God Yami, no!" wailed Yugi, wringing his hands in dismay. A burnt teddy bear whammed into the ground next to him, and he picked it up. "Please, think of the children!" he cried, clutching the teddy bear. 

"You will not get away from my all mighty _fury_ Santa Claus!" Yami bellowed, quite obviously not noticing Yugi or the others, since he was having so much fun blowing up Father Christmas. Threading his way out from behind them, Bakura stepped forward with a twisted grin on his face. 

"The Pharaoh's blowing things up _without_ me? For shame." With that, he whipped the BB gun back out of his jeans and loaded in a large amount of Dr Filibuster's Fireworks. "WE HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS, MR. FANCY-PANTS!" Bakura screeched, launching himself forward and getting directly in the way of Yami's fire.

"Stay out of this, Bakura!" Yami shouted, trying to angle his shots around the white-haired man. "If you want to fight me, you need an appointment."

"Screw your honour system!" Bakura cocked his gun and fired at Yami. The Pharaoh disappeared in an explosion of violent green sparks as the firework erupted in his face. Laughing insanely like this was all great fun, Bakura was caught off guard by the fireball Yami sent careening into him.

"YOU UNCIVILISED BEAST! I WILL SHOW YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!"

"Ha, 'Meaning of Pain'!" Bakura taunted, firing off a double round of cherry crackers. "I think _you_ are the one who needs to learn the meaning of pain. Here!" He suddenly whipped out a huge Oxford dictionary and winged it at Yami. The huge hardcover book promptly flattened Yami. "EDUCATE YOURSELF!"

As Bakura and Yami proceeded to volley large and sparkling fireballs at each other, Yugi and Tea ran around to the blackened sleigh. When they got there they found Santa, cowering behind the overturned seat. "Are you okay?" Tea asked, somewhat shrilly, seeing as a flaming orange burst of fire had just whizzed by overhead, accompanied by frenetic laughter of the evil sort.

"Yes, I think so," said Santa, getting to his feet. "Do you know that guy?" He gestured to Yami, who was dancing around in pain with his shirt on fire. Yugi shifted and looked uncomfortable. 

"Um, sorta. We're _really_ sorry about this," he apologized, trying his best to be heard over the cacophony of explosions. "We didn't mean for him to get the idea that he could get what he wanted from you."

"Oh, it's okay. It happens more often than you think. He's just the first to actively pursue the matter." They walked back over to the entrance of the workshop where the others were waiting. 

"Hey Santa, I know this isn't the best time," Joey said, "but can we have our presents now?" Santa blinked and looked amazed at the sheer strangeness of the request. "It's just that we probably won't get another chance, what with being on a world-conquering mission doo-dad and all."

"I suppose . . ." Santa trailed off, wincing as one of Bakura's vivid blue fireworks crashed into his sleigh. "Yes, sure, if it means you can get that maniac away from here."

"COOL! Okay, I dunno if you got my list, but I wanted a new football, some Duel Monster cards (preferably from that new booster, 'Dark Crisis', but 'Magician's Force' will do), and some new belts, and there were those magazines (I won't say which, Mokuba's a bit young to hear), and that kick-ass t-shirt I saw on TshirtHell.com, and ooh, there was the hair gel and-"

"Good grief Joey, let someone else have a go," snapped Tea, elbowing him out of the way and taking his place in front of the bewildered Santa. "I want a new pair of dancing shoes. But not the crappy ones! They have to be kinda like the ones Dorothy had in the 'Wizard of Oz', with all those pretty sparkly bits, but I don't want read, I want pink. Or, if you don't have pink, yellow would be nice . . ." Yugi got in front of Tea and stomped on her foot, sending her back a few paces.

"There were so many new games out this year that I didn't know how to narrow the list down, but I figured it out eventually," Yugi said, bouncing on his heels. "Okay, so I want that Millennium version of Monopoly, with all the holographic boards and stuff, and if you've got one the 'Lord of the Rings' version, and a new copy of 'Golden Sun' for my Gameboy, Yami broke the old one when he couldn't beat the Fusion Dragon and I never got a shot at that. Oh, and a chess board, I want a proper chess board like Kaiba's got, and maybe some Dungeon Dice Monsters pieces, I need better ones, Duke said so but he prices those things too high and it's stupid. And if you've got any, a pack of Uno cards!"

"Santa, Santa!" whined Ryou, kicking Yugi out of the way. "Could you get me some 'My Little Pony' toys? My sister used to collect them and they look kinda lonely on the shelf so I should finish the set. D'you have Lickety Split? No? Well any of the purple or white ponies then, that'd be super neat! And a jar of High-Strength Magic Metal polish, because I keep dropping the Ring on the floor by accident and Bakura gets real mad when it gets dirty and yells at me."

"'Scuse me," Mokuba butted in, drawing Santa's attention down to him instead. "I want a puppy!"

"Oh, Mokuba, no," Kaiba moaned, but was drowned out by Yami's hysterical screaming as a firework lodged itself in his hair. "But while we're on the subject," he added, "I would like a new monitor for my computer. One of those new flat screen TFT ones, 27-inch, ideal for online gaming and graphic design. Also, a subwoofer stereo system with integrated treble/bass altering functions and preset conditions."

"What about me?" Tristan said. "I want a Serenity for Christmas!"

"You _what_?!" shouted Joey.

"I-I mean, one of those new perfumes, called _Serenity_. Or was it _Obsession_ . . ."

"And I would like something also," stated Bakura, appearing next to them without their knowing it. Yami was currently busy figuring out how to 'Stop, Drop, Roll' and so was occupied for the moment. "I would like a pallet of Bacardi Breezers, a pallet of Bailey's, and a couple of six packs of Heinekens. Also, a new crate of Filibuster Fireworks. I seem to be running low."

Santa stared at the bunch. They seemed pretty eager to get their spoils. Sighing in defeat, he waved his hand and a monstrous array of crates appeared out of mid-air, all labelled with their names. "Is that all?" he moaned. They all pondered for a moment. 

"Actually, I would like _three_ packs of Heineken," Bakura said. Another box dropped on top of his stack. 

"And I want a set of sewing books," Tristan put in. A couple of boxes whammed into the ground.

"I take it that's all. Okay then, are you going to get rid of that maniac now?" pleaded Santa. They all looked around at each other, wondering how they'd do it. Eyes lighting up, Mokuba dug into his pocket and dragged out a bunch of shining foil.

"Here, you can tie him up with this tinsel! In 'The Santa Clause' it's really strong and stuff."

"Worth a shot," shrugged Bakura, swiping the blue tinsel from Mokuba and stomping over to Yami, who had his head buried in the snow. He apparently does not know the basics of 'Stop, Drop, Roll'. Stupid-head. Yanking him out of the snow, he none-too-gently bound the Pharaoh in the tinsel. As he did this, Yugi thought of one last thing.

"Sorry, Santa, one more thing. Could you bring our plane over here? We can't walk all the way back with all this." With a poof of sparkly light, their jet plane appeared behind the boxes, good as new. You just gotta love that plane. 

"Thanks Santa, we love you!" cheered Ryou, snatching some of his boxes and running onto the plane. Santa just shook his head in defeat and wandered back inside his workshop, muttering about 'Kids today, so greedy'.

Bakura marched up the stairs with Yami slung over his back, bound and gagged with shimmering tinsel. The others kicked open the ramp on the other side and started hauling their goodies up into the cabin. As far as they were concerned, this was the best Christmas ever! 

. . . Regardless of Yami's continued presence.

------------------------------------

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

------------------------------------

Well, that was strange XD. Hope you enjoyed. I might try something a little different next. Something like a 'Behind the Scenes' deal. Don't expect it for a while though. I mean, I've got Christmas to enjoy! And 'Return of the King' . . . *goes all fangirly and worships poster of Aragorn*

Happy Holidays all!

- Vappa


	10. Mary Chapter

*Cough* Hello again. Don't get too excited: this isn't a proper chapter. I just figured I should update lest you thought I'd died of a rabid ferret attack or blood loss from paper cuts. Which is . . .  um . . . feasible? Maybe not. Anyway! I've been on holidays for a bit so that's why I haven't updated. Plus, I've hit the inevitable Wall of Plot-Doom. I need to break it down. Hm.

In the meantime, here is a lovely short story that took me all of twenty minutes to write. ENJOY.

-------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh

-------------------------

Mary-Chapter

-------------------------

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Sandy. Sandy was the prettiest girl in the country, nay, the world! She had bright blue eyes and shiny pink hair and a bubbly disposition that _immediately endeared her towards anyone within a ten mile radius. She was good at sports and maths and brushing her hair and collecting sparkly things and she had so many friends that her LiveJournal friends list took three hours to read through every night!_

One day, Sandy was sitting at her computer having a smashing good time, writing a fanfic and looking up YuGiOh screenshots. She only saved the good ones, namely those with hot Yami/Kaiba/Joey shots in them. 

SUDDENLY!

Her screen went black! Thinking that Bill Gates had screwed her again, she pressed the power switch. Nothing happened. She pressed it again. Nada, zip. And so, being a patient and lovely girl, she hammered the switch furiously. Onoffonoffonoffonoffonoff-

SUDDENLY AGAIN!

A _vortex_ appeared in the middle of the screen and SUCKED THE AMAZED SANDY INTO IT!

***Insert blah blah about twirly vortex science***

Sandy landed with a thump on her ass. "Ouchies!" she whined, getting up and brushing off her nifty pleated denim skirt which was ever-so-nice and the envy of all her friends (she should know, she'd posted a photo on her LiveJournal and she'd had 363 comments on it). She looked all around herself. "Oh dear, where am I?"

SUDDENLY SUDDENLY SUE!

Sandy was bumped by some inconsiderate brute. "Hey!" she cried, shaking her finely manicured nails at the man. "Watch where you're going, you big meanie!" The man turned around, and she saw to her dismay that he was really rather large and ugly and smelly, and came right back towards her. "Eep!" Sandy yelped as he grabbed her arm. 

Just as the man was about to . . . do something . . . to her . . . there came a voice from the left!

"Hey, let her go, foul spawn of darkness." Sandy looked over and to her _ever-lasting perpetual amazement_, there stood YAMI. The man looked at the spiky haired midget for a millisecond.

"Okay," the man said, letting Sandy go and walking off into the sunset. 

"Are you okay?" asked Yami. As Sandy stared up at him, a bright light shone all around him and happy-sunshine music started playing in the background.

"Ohhhhh, my hero!" Sandy cried, leaping up and blitzing over to the bewildered Pharaoh. Getting him into a hug tighter than a vice, Sandy went all fangirly. 

"Uh, excuse me," Yami started, obviously about to make some statement about the strange girl cutting off his air supply. However, he never got that far, because a large plot bunny came screaming out of the sky and whammed into Yami's head. 

**SUPER FUN HAPPY PERSONALITY CHANGE!**

"Oh my darling," Yami purred as he stroked Sandy's hair. "You are the light of my life, divine kitten-mitten . . ."

"Yami, my sweet," sighed Sandy. She stroked his back with her fingers, delighting in the feel of his leather shirt. "I love the way your eyes sparkle like molten diamonds of cloud-shaped candy, in such a startling shade of lavenderish-violet red."

"Your skin is like fine whitewashed china on a summer's day in the snow . . ."

"You dress like Neo from the Matrix, all superb in leather and chains and fluffy slippers and your puzzle."

"When I saw your face, I knew that an angel had fallen from heaven into hell then clawed her way back up again because she didn't like the décor there."

"You are a sinister shadow of a man, delectably evil in the most sensuous of ways, indulging my sin of lust."

The two schnoogled happily whilst every person who passed by nearly vomited from the sickening rays of puppy-love and happy-sweetness coming from them. 

Afterwards, Yami and Sandy bought a house together and lived on the good graces of Seto Kaiba, who sent them weekly bribes to keep them away from him. This was due to an unfortunate incident in which Yami had challenged Kaiba to a duel and Sandy had come along. The sheer lovey-doveyness of her support had practically driven Kaiba crazy and he'd chucked them off the top of his three-storey house.

They lived a happy happy HAPPY life together, making friends and engaging in threesomes with Joey sometimes. Their love was eternal and pure and wonderful and sparkly-pretty and oh-so-real and wondrous and pink and romantic and oh my God I'm making _myself_ sick.

AN: I'm sorry. I can't write this farcical Mary Sue like this anymore. I need a quick solution before I pollute my brain. :NA

SUDDENLY WITHOUT WARNING OR DELIBERATION!

A huge cruise missile slammed into the house, killing Yami, Sandy and their five children: Susie, Fabio, Fujiko, Enrique and Bob.

The End.

Thank God.


	11. And On The Eleventh Chapter, They Rested

So, HERE I AM AGAIN. I apologize for the _travesty_ that was the previous . . . um . . . chapter-flavoured offering. I was mentally ill the day I wrote that, and I think it affected my sanity. As it affected everyone who reviewed, apparently! XD. I would have updated earlier if not for a few things: Christmas, Return of the King, Boxing Day, Lord of the Rings marathon, Return of the King, doing homework, Return of the King, going camping, Return of the King, and going back to school.

And no, that wasn't an exaggeration. I _have_ seen Return of the King five times. **EDIT** Make that six times.

Anyway, I'll attempt to get back into it now. Be warned: I have no plan for this chapter so it may be EXTRAORDINARILY BORING.

I don't own YuGiOh. Nor the dub of YuGiOh. Nor the Singapore dub of YuGiOh (which is far superior to the American one, let me tell you). 

-------------------------

For I Am Pharaoh

-------------------------

And On The Eleventh Chapter, They Rested

-------------------------

When one is in the company of a large group of people for a long period of time, it is quite natural for fights and arguments to break out. This is particularly the case when two people are at odds with each other beforehand. Thus, it is no surprise that two certain people within our merry band of conquerors were having a tiff. 

Standing at opposite ends of the cabin, Tea and Bakura were –

What?

Oh, you thought I was going to say "Joey and Kaiba", didn't you? WELL, I'M NOT THAT PREDICTABLE SO SHUT UP! 

Back to what I was saying. Tea and Bakura were yelling at each other in a very loud, annoying way about what they were arguing about.

"It's _mine_ I tell you! Mine!" cried Tea, clutching the bottle to her chest.

"Don't toy with me, woman!" Bakura screamed, brandishing a pointy stick at her. "You know full well that any alcohol on this aircraft belongs to me, and sometimes to Ryou!" Ryou waved from his chair, happily drinking a can of bourbon and cola.

"But it's mine! Just because the bottle says it has alcohol in it doesn't mean it's _yours_!"

"Oh yes it bloody does, now hand it over!" With that, Bakura jabbed her in the stomach with his stick and snatched the bottle off her. Laughing victoriously he took a swig. Suddenly he spat it out. "Blargh! What the _hell_ is that?!" Tea scowled and nabbed the bottle back off him.

"It's Solo. You know, that lemon-flavoured lemonade? I keep it in this bottle for trips and stuff." Bakura was still gagging and sputtering nearby and so didn't make any reply. "Oh come on," she said, "it's not that bad. It's nice."

"_Nice_? You call that sugar saturated candy drink _nice_? Gods, Ryou, give me that bourbon and cola."

Meanwhile the other people in the plane were going about their business. Which, uh, wasn't an awful lot, considering the limited amount of things you can do on a plane, magical though it may be. Most of them were content to play with their awesome Christmas gifts. There were quite a lot more of them than they'd asked for; perhaps Santa was feeling generous. Or he really, _really_ wanted to get them away from him. 

"Joey, you up for another Monopoly game?" asked Yugi hopefully. The blonde in question shook his head vehemently.

"No way man, you're too good at that game. I can't believe you stole Mayfair out from under my nose."

"Well I can't believe you accidentally gave me $2000 dollars when all you owed me was $15."

"All those paper bits look the same!"

"Uh . . . they're colour-coded Joey. With numbers on them."

"They still look the same. It'd be way easier if some were triangle-shaped, and circle-shaped, and heart-shaped and - "

"Shut up now." Packing away his nifty new Monopoly board, Yugi got up and stretched. Apart from Joey sitting next to him (reading a rather raunchy magazine called '_Hot Lesbian Threesomes and YOU'_), Yugi couldn't see anyone else in the plane, due to the ungodly amount of boxes stacked around. So, he decided he'd go see how Kaiba was doing.

Waltzing past Bakura (now onto Ryou's fourth can of bourbon and cola, much to Ryou's dismay) he opened the door of the cockpit and went inside. Seeing the situation in there, he yelped, "Kaiba, what are you doing?!"

Looking up, Kaiba said, "Flying the plane." 

"No you aren't!" Yugi shrieked, waving his hands around to needlessly emphasize his point. "You're sitting five feet away from the control panel, playing on your damned laptop!" Kaiba shrugged.

"I'm on it, don't fret."

"How exactly are you _on it_ when you're nowhere _near_ it?" Wordlessly Kaiba held up his hand, revealing a string that was tied around his finger, which was connected to the steering joysticks of the plane. 

"You worry too much." Yugi just gaped silently for a second, then decided that maybe he DID worry too much, and after all, Kaiba was a genius, and if Yami had been able to fly the plane then surely the CEO of Kaiba Corp could do it as well, even if he was only using a string to do it. 

"Um, anyway . . . where are we going?"

"I figured I'd point the plane back in the direction of Japan. I'm sick of this plane, sick of that Pharaoh, and sick of all of you." Five minutes passed. "No offense."

"None taken. What country are we over?"

"Hm," Kaiba murmured, thinking. "I don't know. Let me check." And with that, he pulled down the side window and stuck his head outside. 

By this stage Yugi was under the distinct impression that Kaiba must have been smoking something very strange. Either that or he'd finally snapped after being in such close proximity to all of his friends for so long. And he'd thought Kaiba was the stable one.

"WELL," Kaiba shouted from his position half-way into the freezing high-altitude winds, "I CAN'T BE CERTAIN, BUT THAT LOOKS LIKE THE UNITED STATES DOWN THERE. D'YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK?"

"No! No, that's fine, just get back in here!" Yugi pleaded, yanking Kaiba back by his trench coat. 

"Okay, I'm back, what is it?" Kaiba asked, completely unaware that his immaculate hair, blasted by the wind, now resembled the 'do of a punk rocker. Trying extremely hard not to laugh, or stare, or perhaps offer him a comb, Yugi pushed him into the pilot's seat. 

"Um, just . . . pilot the plane, okay?" Kaiba snorted and took hold of the joysticks.

"What do I look like to you, a moron? Of course I'll fly the plane." 

"Kaiba . . . your left hand goes on the _left_ joystick."

"It is on the left joystick." 

"No, that's the brakes." Kaiba blinked.

"Planes have brakes?"

"Yami's plane does." Yugi forcibly removed Kaiba's hand from the brakes and slapped it onto the joystick. Turning to leave, he caught sight of the program running on Kaiba's laptop. He quickly ran out of the cockpit. 

Those who play 'Adventures in Typing with Timon and Pumbaa' could not be judged as sane.

~*~

Meanwhile, in a cold, dark, dank place in the belly of the plane, our beloved Pharaoh was thinking about the meaning of life. The meaning of life, he decided, was to gather a tremendous army for the Dark Lord Sauron, so that he and Saruman together could rule this Middle-Earth . . .

Um . . .

Sorry. Slipped into LotR mode again. *Forcibly clunks switch back to YuGiOh*

So, Yami was sitting in the cargo space of the plane. In fact, he was sitting very still, because he was still wrapped up tightly in that shiny blue tinsel. As you can imagine, this was pissing him off mightily. 

_This is absurd!_ Yami fumed to himself mentally. _How can I be restrained so by mere mortals and that GOOSE of a tomb robber with just a bit of sparkly foil?! And I am very, very annoyed that they gagged me with one of Joey's socks. _

Shuffling around a bit, Yami tried furiously to move off the metal bolt that was sticking most uncomfortably into his ass. All he managed to do though was topple off balance and land on his face. Had his mouth not been covered with Joey's stinky sock, a veritable cacophony of swearing and cursing would have been heard. However, it wasn't. Growling, the mighty Pharaoh settled his death-glare on a box of kittens nearby. 

_There must be a way to escape this. Of all the Millennium Items in the world, the Puzzle is the most useless in this situation! If I had the Rod I could cut my way out. If I had the Ring I could use it like that throwing disc that Xena has. If I had the Tauk I could see my own future and what I do to get out of these bindings.If I had the Eye I could invade Yugi's mind and guilt him into setting me free. If I had the Ankh or the Scales I could . . . do that thing Shaadi does and teleport. But noooooo. I have the PUZZLE. Pointy, stupid, USELESS Puzzle that just traps me inside it for a bloody millennia and then gifts me to the first dork to set hands on it. Well bravo whoever thought THAT one up . . ._

_Wait. It might have been me. I cannot recall. Did I make the Puzzle? Or was it someone else? Bakura would know. Airy-fairy 'Oh, I can remember my own past, so ha to you!' Bakura who thinks he is so hot, prancing around with a BB gun in his pants and that Millennium Ring that would be really useful right about now. I mean really! What DOES the Puzzle do other than trap righteous Pharaohs in its bowels of doom? It just SITS THERE and looks POINTY. Oh sure, it GLOWS sometimes but what the f**k good is that unless you need a nightlight to sleep with?! _

_F**king geniuses the Egyptians were. "Ooh, look, let's kill an entire village of vengeful traitors and thieves so we can make some shiny pretty things that only Priests can handle and serve ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER." _

_Now that is a bit harsh. After all, you do not know for certain that you made the Items or not._

_IT MAKES NO F**KING DIFFERENCE! If I DID make them then bloody shame on me and my f**king stupid head!_

_Stop it! Self pity gets you nowhere!_

_Pity?__ PITY?! THIS IS SELF-DEPRECATING HATRED YOU UTTER F**KING LUNATIC. I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE!_

_SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! JUST SHUT UP!_

_YOU SHUT UP YOU GODDAMN RETARDED FOOL!_

_F**K YOU!_

_NO, F**K YOU!_

_YOU!_

_YOU!_

_YOU!_

_YOU!_

_. . . Dear Ra, I am having a screaming match with myself._

_YOU!_

_SHUT UP, I JUST REALIZED HOW STUPID WE ARE!_

_Oh. Yes, quite right. Yelling at ones' self is not very Pharaoh-like behaviour._

_Truce?___

_Truce.___

Refocusing his eyes after spending so much time in psycho-Yami-brain-land, he scanned the cargo hold again. Nope, nothing good in there. He settled on staring at the box of kittens again. He stayed like that for a long time. Until . . .

_I am hungry. So hungry._

_. . . I wonder what kittens taste like?_

_You SO did not just think that._

_Did so!_

_Did not!_

_Did so!_

_Did not!_

~*~

Back on the upper level, things were not much saner. 

Yugi stared around the main cabin of the plane, which he'd left in relative order. However, it didn't seem to be that way now. 

Bakura had now drank his way through ten cans of bourbon and cola, not to mention a couple of Bacardi Breezers, and was approximately 3/10ths of the way to Full-On Bakura Drunk Mode, which was so enchanting in the earlier parts of this fanfic but sadly disappeared around chapter 5. At 3/10ths of the way to Full-On Bakura Drunk Mode, Bakura was currently poking at the threads of his chair, staring at them very hard like they might contain the essence of being. Or chocolate. What was more disturbing to Yugi though was that Ryou was _also _staring hard at the threads right next to Bakura. Obviously, birds of a drunken feather stare at chair material together.

Mokuba, on the other hand, was perched precariously on top of his own chair. With a screwdriver in one hand and a stuffed bunny in the other, he was trying to pry the air-conditioning vent off of the ceiling. Wandering up to the boy, Yugi just watched for a bewildered moment as Mokuba pounded the vent with the bunny's face.

"Say, Mokuba . . . what are you doing?" he asked in a hopefully innocent and casual tone. Mokuba looked at him, features completely normal, and grinned.

"Trying to dig my way to Czechoslovakia, of course." Yugi stared.

"Oh . . . how silly of me. Of course that's what you're doing." Backing slowly away from the younger Kaiba, Yugi thumped into someone. "Sorry, Trista-" he started, and then stopped. 

"No harm done!" Tristan chirped happily, resplendent in his wooly pink sweater. Seeing what Yugi was looking at, Tristan promptly spun on the spot to show off his outfit. "D'you like it? Those knitting magazines were a _godsend_, I swear! I've never had nice clothes like this before, only those icky brown trench coats."

Unable to take any more of this, Yugi made a weird "Krrk" noise and fled to the back of the plane. Holing himself up in the very back seat, he made himself as small as possible. _This isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening this isn't happening_ . . . he chanted soundlessly over and over. Just then he heard the unmistakable sound of Tea and Joey bursting into song, very close to him.

"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOHOOOHOOOH!!" they shrieked tonelessly, waltzing past Yugi's chair in a very bad impersonation of a waltz. Cowering down lower, Yugi just hoped to high heaven that Kaiba would crash the plane and put him out of his misery. Suddenly . . .

"Hello, this is your captain speaking," came Kaiba's voice through the speaker system, sounding mysteriously suave and British. "It's _lovely _to have you all with us today. As it stands we may have to make a slight detour so that I can face my arch nemesis agent 008 in a spectacular battle above a dam. Never fear though, I have the Golden Gun, for my name is Bond: James Bond."

"Why oh why did I believe Yami to be the worst thing that could possibly happen," moaned Yugi. Sniffing the air a little, he wrinkled his nose. "What on earth is that smell? It's . . . weird . . . making me . . . feel . . . _happy_ . . . and that's a big deal . . . for me . . ."

~*~

_All I am saying is that kittens are animals, just like pigs and cows, so what harm is there in eating them?_

_They are KITTENS you freak, you do not eat KITTENS!_

_But, why not?___

_Do you not recall anything of Ancient __Egypt__? We worship cats! Bastet is a cat goddess! We do not go around eating kittens! Maybe the Chinese do, and possibly the French, but Egyptians do not eat kittens!_

_If you want to be technical, we are not Egyptian any more. We are technically Japanese._

_That has nothing to do with it! It's the principle!_

_And I say the principle of the matter is that we are hungry, and there is a box of kittens RIGHT OVER THERE, and that constitutes as a meal in my book._

_In case you had not noticed, Einstein, we are BOUND IN TINSEL. Even if I wanted to eat those mangy kittens, we would never be able to-_

_Well, if that is all you wanted, you just had to say so._

And suddenly, the tinsel binding Yami split apart, falling around him and leaving him free as a bird. This took Yami by complete surprise, and he blinked stupidly for a moment. He then remembered the sock in his mouth and violently tore it out, coughing and gagging. Jumping to his feet, he stretched triumphantly. 

"Freedom! Oh glorious freedom! It is marvelous, absolutely marvelous. How on _earth_ did I do that?"

*_You did nothing. I freed us.*_

Yami paused his wild happy-victory dance in surprise. He looked around in confusion. "Uh, hello?" he asked the empty cargo hold. "Is someone there?"

*_You have been speaking with me for the past five hours, I am a little offended that you fail to realize that.*_

"You . . . you mean . . . you are NOT me speaking to myself in my head?" 

*_Well, technically speaking as you put it, I am. But I am a separate entity to you, let me assure you.*_

"Are you . . . my _conscience_?" There was a mental sigh.

*_No, you f**king dolt, I am NOT your conscience. I am your equivalent of YOU.*_ Yami furrowed his brow in confusion.

"I am confused. What do you mean?"

*_Simply put, I am your yami._* 

There was a gasp of shock from the audience. Nobody saw THAT one coming. 

Amazed, Yami finally understood. "Is it really possible? _I _have a _yami_?"

*_YES, you bloody twit,*_ shouted Yami's yami. *_Now, about those kittens . . .*_

"Forget the kittens!" roared Yami, eyes alight with happiness. "Finally, after these long eons, I have a true kindred soul! Yugi cannot compare, for he is not of me, and does not comprehend my plans." He paused. "You do realize the import of my being Pharaoh?"

*_Yes yes, take over world, lord and master, etcetera . . ._ _but the kittens-*_

"HANG THE KITTENS; I HAVE A WORLD TO CONQUER! FOR – I – AM –PHARAOH!" Yami laughed in an exceedingly maniacal manner and tore out of the cargo hold door way.

-------------------------

Ooh, that was unexpected, even for me. That came totally out of the blue. I know I've gone off the deep end when I start giving the yamis a yami of their own. 

Tune in next time when you'll find out exactly why everyone ELSE on the plane has apparently gone off the deep end, and the name of Yami's yami will be revealed! Or . . . rather . . . thought up. What do you call a yami's yami . . . *wanders off musing to self*

- Vappa


	12. Screw The Chapter Naming System

Yeah, I've been gone a while. Year 12 sucks. But I've had enough of my sister whining at me for the next chapter, so here goes.

I don't own YuGiOh. And the ending of the manga made me very sad. Very, very sad. Though, I must wonder, how did Kaiba appear out of nowhere to be in the Egyptian desert like that . . .

-------------------------

**For I Am Pharaoh**

-------------------------

_Screw The Chapter Naming System_

-------------------------

Well, Yami was quite surprised, to say the least. Having escaped his tormenting hell of being tied up under the plane by the aid of his newly discovered yami, he had run up the stairs and burst asunder into the main cabin. Being of a Pharaoh sort, Yami valued mental stability in all of his servants (sort of as compensation to his own lack of mental stability). He had hand-selected all of his world domination crew, down to the smallest Kaiba brother, based on their intellects, reliability, loyalty, and sheer brute strength.

While he wasn't about to admit to picking a downright nutty group he was certainly considering the possibility based on the scene in the plane cabin.

_What was it you were saying about your 'crack team of expert henchmen', again? _Said Yami's yami with something of a smirk in his mental voice.

"Quiet you. Something has obviously gone amiss."

_No duh._

"I said quiet! Now," Yami surveyed the scene again, taking in the utterly indescribable actions of Tea and Joey. "What happened to cause them all to descend into such madness?"

_Perhaps they just missed you so much that they went nuts?_ Yami thought about it for a second.

"No, that is unlikely."

_I guess you are an unpopular git then. _

"QUIET, HEATHEN!" Normally the shouting would have drawn some attention, but everyone was far too busy being insane to even notice. Sighing, Yami reached a conclusion. He dug one hand into his pocket. "I suppose I have no choice then . . ." Yami's yami perked up, eager to see what was going on.

_What, what don't you have a choice about? What are you doing? What is that thing? Can I see it? Pleeeeeeeeease?_ He made a haphazard attempt to take control of the body but Yami mentally beat him off.

"Stop it, you irritating thing. You are supposed to be my soul mate! Show some respect." Silence.

_Look, I like you and all, Yami, but I do not like you in THAT way, and-_

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR A SECOND AND LET ME DO THIS?!"

_Oh. Sure._

With that, Yami once again regarded the thing he'd pulled from his pocket. It was, naturally, his very own Fantastic Fanfiction Plothole Device. They always tend to appear when the author has written herself into a corner, and so it had resurfaced in the story at this exact point in time. How convenient. Yami raised the tiny John Edwards figure above his head, and shouted, "_I BID THEE UNDONE, HORRIBLE SCENARIO!_" and hurled it into the ground.

There was an all-encompassing burst of sparkling fog which engulfed the entire plane, swirling and swirling and . . .

---

. . . Yami settled back against the plane wall with a smirk. Things were much, much better now. No more screaming crazy soldiers. How they had gotten that way, no one shall ever know, but it did not matter any more.

_Wow, that was some trick,_ said the yami in the back of his mind.

"Well, for a Pharaoh such as myself, it is quite a simple matter to pull off great magical feats and-"

He was interrupted then by a small object that bowled into him suddenly. He flew backwards with a yelp, surprised, and looked up to find a very annoyed Yugi sitting on his chest. "Oh. Hello, Yugi," he said.

"Don't you 'hello' me," Yugi growled uncharacteristically. "I've had just about enough of this stupid world domination trip of yours. I don't know how you got out of your bindings, or how you sent us all crazy, but it ENDS NOW." Yami stared at the boy, quite alarmed. He'd always taken Yugi to be the quiet, reliable, nice one, sort of like a cute puppy dog but with a bizarre hairdo.

"Now Yugi," he started, regaining his Pharaoh-ly demeanor. "I have explained to you many times that . . . uh . . . what?" Yami sputtered out as he was pinned with a violent death glare.

"I don't CARE for your explanations. I – want – to – go – home!"

"But-"

"NO BUTS! HOME! _NOW_!" Cowering under the frightening power of a main character gone angry, Yami cast about desperately for an escape route. And he found one, right inside his own head. Without so much as a how-do-you-do, Yami shunted his own yami into control of the body and fled to the back of his mind.

Blinking in confusion, the yami stared up at the enraged Yugi who had not noticed the switch at all. Yugi, taking 'Yami's' silence for defiance, started to shout again.

"I mean it Yami! If you don't take us all home this very instant, you will suffer a horrible, painful, murderous-"

"Wait, wait, stop!" the yami cried, holding up his hands in defense. "You have the wrong guy!" Yugi snorted.

"What the hell are you trying to pull. You're Yami, and you're responsible."

"No, I am not Yami. Seriously. I am _his_ yami." Yugi blinked, and sat back.

"That's the worst lie I've ever heard of. I thought you could do better than that."

"It is not a lie! My name is Mid!"

". . . Mid."

"Yes, yes, Mid." Staring at what he was still assuming to be Yami-gone-madder, Yugi got off of his chest and stood up, glowering. 'Mid' got up as well and brushed himself off.

"Prove it," Yugi said, eyeing him suspiciously. "Prove that you're not Yami." Mid was bewildered.

"Uh . . . how? I have only known him for about five minutes."

"Don't ask me how, you're the one proving it to me." Sighing in exasperation, Mid cast about for something that would prove that he wasn't the Pharaoh. Physical appearance was out, seeing as he was identical to Yami anyway. He was in a pickle of a jam of a jar here.

Mid briefly flicked down the soul corridor inside the Puzzle towards Yami's door, only to find the door locked shut with a sign on it saying, 'DO NOT DISTURB. VERY IMPORTANT . . . UH . . . BUSINESS GOING ON. YES. BUSINESS. THAT MEANS YOU, YAMI-THING'.

"Oh, I do not know . . . um . . ." he rambled. "Can you not just take this on faith?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Crap." As they both stood there, they both realized something. "Hey . . . were there not other people on this plane too? Where did they go?" Yugi looked around, surprised, at the empty cabin.

"You're right. What happened? And the plane isn't moving anymore." Yugi ran down the aisle to the exit door, with Mid close behind. The door was open, letting in streams of light. They looked outside. "Wasn't it nighttime before?" Mid scratched his ear.

"How should I know? I was locked in that hold for hours. What did that Yami guy do to piss you all off so much anyway?" Yugi shrugged absently.

"Just kidnapped us to implement his worldwide domination scheme. Without asking, mind you."

"Ah."

"Hello? Tea, Joey, are you out there?" Yugi shouted. "Tristan, Kaiba, Ryou, Bakura, Mokuba? Anyone?" There was no reply. Mid pushed past him and went down the steps. He waltzed across the grass and up to a sign. "What does the sign say?" Yugi asked.

Mid glanced at it. "It says 'Welcome to New York'." He continued to look at the sign. "If this is New York, where is Old York? Is there a Not So Old But Not New York too? Say, if New York was destroyed, would they build a New New York? Is it a city? Park? Statue? Or maybe it's a shopping district. Hey, I could buy new clothes, these ones are so daggy. I mean, leather pants? That is so 60's. I reckon I should go for a kilt or something. What do you think?"

Yugi wasn't paying attention to Mid's babbling though. He was currently trying to figure out how in blazes they'd gotten to New York, and where the others had all gone. Chances were that they were lost somewhere in the city . . . or perhaps not so much lost as wandering around poking shiny things, hacking into the Times Square TV and sending innocent souls to the Shadow Realm. Possibly all at once.

He sighed. It was like Duelist Kingdom all over again . . . again. Why did they keep getting separated like this? It was like some divine force was trying to cause them as much havoc as possible. There was nothing for it then. He would have to find them all and keep Mid in tow. Turning back to Mid, he noticed that the other was still talking, apparently careless of whether anyone was listening to him.

"Although, maybe the leather pants are not so bad. They do have a certain flair about them, but I just do not like the tightness of them. Perhaps it is just Yami's style, but this is my body too, so I should get some say in the matter. Does he have any cash, I wonder? He is a Pharaoh, he _must_ money somewhere, unless he just sends his henchmen out to get things for him . . . now there's an idea. Hey! Henchman Yugi! Does this Pharaoh Yami have money or do you buy things for him?"

"Mid, we have to go," Yugi said, ignoring Mid's question. "We have to find Joey and the others." He jumped down the steps two at a time and came to join the yami on the grass. Mid looked at him, then into space, then back at him again.

"Yami wants to know what is going on, I think. He is in his soul room thingy, but I think he locked himself in." He paused. "Quite an extensive vocabulary he has there. Should I let him out?"

Yugi thought about it for one hundredth of a second. "No. Leave him in there. In fact, barricade the soul door. I think I might grow to like you, Mid."

"Oh, that is nice of you. So anyway . . . is there such a thing as a Not So Old But Not New York? It is a strange thing to name something, whatever it is. I mean, there must be an Old York somewhere, right? You cannot name something a New York if there is not an old one. Unless there was just a single York to begin with. But then you would not know that York is the old one except for the fact that there is a New York. Oh, but I guess that _does_ explain it, doesn't it? Where is Old York anyway? Is it right next door to New York, or did they build the new one on top of the old one?"

"I take it back," Yugi groaned. "You're annoying as all hell."

"All of hell, huh? That is an awful lot of hell to cover, you know, I could not possibly be as annoying as _all_ of hell, I mean, it is a mighty big place. I heard there are seven levels in hell, so do you mean I annoy you on seven levels, or the annoyance is the breadth of all seven levels? Oh, but hell is not so much annoying as hot, really, so you must _really_ mean that I am hot as all hell. Well, I am flattered, but I do not swing that way, and really, hell is mighty hot, so even being as stupendously beautiful as I am, it would be quite impossible for me to be 'hot as all hell'. Though I do appreciate the sentiment, you know. If you _were_ in hell though, I suppose it would be rather annoying, so your statement _does_ make sense on some level, but I figure hell would be more infuriating than annoying, so maybe you really mean I am 'infuriating as all hell', which would be closer to the mark, and-"

"AAAAAAAAARGGGH."

-------------------------

Geh, that sucked. Sorry. I haven't been writing much lately. Next up: lost in New York city, or, as Mid likes to call it, Not So Old But Not Quite New York city. And Bob will make an appearance, I swear. He's just so popular with the ladies.

- Vappa


End file.
